Carnival is over, so now what? People will regain their senses? Hell no...there is always another celebration around the corner. I just wish , eyes would open and someone would realize that this country is not safe anymore, for anyone. I miss going out. I'm scared for my life, for the lives of my family and friends. Its awful. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above all the negativiyt in my life but its becoming more and more difficult. Just a small prayer....God guide me, use your hand to lead on the path to my destiny , help me so that i may be the best person i can be.....dwell within me lord and keep the light burning bright within.
Now that its over
Jello New Blog
I changed, i switched it up and I'm finally comfortable.....this is the look i want for my blog, not to dark not to happy, just right. Today i'm gonna try to post more often and with that, I'm off to bed, tried like hell, below is some of my headers i used before, just for old times sake.
uggghhhh, its a mess
My poor blog, it has been so long since i came here. I've stopped writing, stopped reading, stopped playing, i basically stopped living. But here i am in work, 12.06pm and i have a sudden urge to write. I can't get on to blogger here, so I'm typing on a notepad which will be emailed to me and then placed on my blog. But for now I'm just writing.Its unbelievable that January just came and went by in the blink of an eye, it will only be a matter of time till February takes the same plunge in to the months gone past pool. I dunno where to start, what to say, all i know is that i have to write. The rain is pouring here, the ever engulfing noise permeates through my office walls...its distracting but ever so pleasing. I'm cold, i don't care, i like feeling cold...i enjoy the cold actually, its makes me visualize how it would be if i turned myself inside out. I was disturbed, i lost my trail of thought. Its horrible what happened in Austrialia, can imagine being burned alive...a most dreadful way to go. I keep thinking about death, ever since my uncle passed away, death has been on my mind.Not only death but life also, whats the point of going through the days up and down and up whats the whole point of having a career, or making money or doing anything other than having fun carefree days? In the end when we die all material possessions are left here, all the degrees, everything is left behind...days of struggling to achieve all but gone to waste when in fact we could have been living our lives. I dunno where I'm going with this, i have to admit something I'm scared...I'm so fucking scared that it makes me sick every time i look into a mirror....of what...of death and of life, so where does that leave me, if I'm scared to die and scared to live....I'm a living dead? I was never scared to die, in fact there were times when i begged god to grant me that one thing and when he refused i tried to fulfill my desire my self, but now since i met my gf i want to live, to experience stuff with her. Yet i sit here and bind myself to living the mundane . I know i sounds as if I'm contradicting myself but that's where i am right now, in limbo. There is only one way to go though and that's up. I wanna go outside and sit in the rain, like i used to do, sit it in till my fingers get all raisin like and my jaws wont stop chattering and when I'm forced to withdraw from outside i would sit wrapped up in my blanket, near the window and get lost in the drops hitting the pane. No thoughts would enter my mind, in that time all that would be there was total bliss. Small insignificant things touch me the deepest. I wanna be a good boy but in my own way, not in the cardboard cut out that everyone seems to be living out. I wanna wear my hair in spikes and not be stared at, i wanna run outside my house and scream , and play and not be called immature, i wanna sit here and write whats on my mind and not be called dramatic, i wanna cry when i feel like it and not be called overly sensitive. I just wanna be me. Each day when i awake i am faced with new challenges, new enemies will be made and sometimes new friends.Writing about friends, i lost a really good one, yup Kisha and i are no longer an item of friendship. It all stems from me attending her Christmas party, she having too much to drink, me getting blamed for not stopping her from getting in that way...a complicated , touchy situation.....i accepted responsibility and blame, and tried after to make amends but we haven't spoken since my apology email. I can't say i was Innocent i said some stuff , she said some stuff....but its over now.There was this poem that i read once, about people that come in your life for a season or a reason. I guess our season together has all been over. Life goes on and so must i. I still miss her though.....Have your ever notice that even though pringles are in cans you still get crushed ones, in fact i got alot of crushed ones recently which made me think what was the point of the can, but later that day i realized that i had a habit of shaking the can before i open it and that's the reason why. I don't like pringles that much, i prefer chocolate, wait didn't they have a chocolate pringles at one time? Maybe i dreamed it but i do remember eating something liek that...who knows i may have been having a daydream about chocolate again. I'm visualizing myself tall and glowing, like a tall glowing lamppost for some reason, i will categorize this as my urge to write has come back, only time will tell if i come here everyday. Creativity is a bitch, comes and goes whenever it pleases and always abandons you when u need it most, and pops up when all you want to do is sleep....omg creativity sounds like some friends of mines that i cut out of my life , it vaguely sounds like a cat also, a creativity cat....I'm not making sense am i? Its called rambling i think. I'm enjoying it. Just typing whatever slips into my mind. yesterday i went to the Caribbean Comedy festival for some laughs, it was the first time i ever attended anything like that, and i have to admit that i enjoyed every minute of it . Twas a great hundred dollar spent, the place was packed and everyone seemed to forget their cares and worries, including myself. its awesome, getting lost in entertainment, I'll write about it some more sometime, my lunch hour is over, so back to work. i missed this.:)