I want to just paint my face and pretend to be someone else. My past actions are so biting me in the ass right now. I accompanied a friend to her office party recently, we both got high, but she reached higher heights than me, and now i feel as if i am being blamed for her getting stone wasted drunk. Its a complicated situation, but i feel very crappy about it. I left the party thinking it was so much fun and i would so gladly do it all again, but alas in her mind it was quiet the opposite. She has distanced herself from me, and i accept that our friendship has been demoted to acquaintances . Sad but true. Cant say that I'm not hurt or that i am innocent in whatever accusations her bf or friends have brought up against me. Yeah i could have been more responsible in whatever way they saw fit but what is done is done. I'm hurting inside but I'll deal with it like i usually do.
Thats what you get wen u mix drinks...
Its the most wonderful time of the year
I missed you blog, i dunno how i got so caught up in life that i didn't make time to empty my thoughts...so now i have a mess of ideas and memories running through my head all struggling to come out first. Christmas was as expected a somber time for the family. My uncle was sorely missed, as the looks on every one's faces told the unbelievable truth that he was indeed gone. I spent as much of the day as possible surrounded by the ones that mean the most to me, my GF included, this being our first Christmas together i tried my best to make it ever so special, but i fell short in my mind, i wanted everything to be so perfect but i just wasn't in the full Christmas mood. She got me a TV and a 2gb mem card for my camera, i was stunned..i was speechless for a while, then the excitement took over and i was jumping up and down like a little school girl....now i got my own television for my PS2...yay...i'm ashamed to say of what i got her, its no where near as awesome as her gifts..but its the thought that counts right?..i hope to god so. I know tears are going to be shed for the new years, I'm just mentally preparing myself not to cry, but i am going to take a minute of silence. A whole new year ahead.....scary and exciting at the same time, all i can do is hope that i survive it.
All in the eyes 2
Its morning and i am in work, earlier than usual, i can smell that today is going to be one long , dreadful day. I woke up with a splitting headache, and an attitude to match its constant pounding. My eyes can hardly open for i fear to look at the world, so for now i have that droopy the dog look. Crappy is how i feel, and my co worker here is not helping, while i am typing away she's proceeding to ramble on about he ever shifting love life juggling 3 guys at the same time. Which just reminded me that morals aren't what they used to be. I feel like i am fighting a losing battle trying to preach my view of being faithful, but she scoffs at it , mainly because her first bf cheated on her, so now it seems she's on the warpath. I could never see myself taking that stance even though i was cheated on by my ex and my current gf , and i have been advised by my "friends" that i should get revenge, i can't possibly see myself doing that, i confess that I'm a sucker for fairy tales and never heard of prince charming cheating on Cinderella with some hussy. I don't have the guts or heart to do it either. I should stop worrying about other people stances on this , and just concentrate on mines, but where does that leave the future generation when they are constantly being bombarded with images that having 2 persons in your life is ok. Even just now i heard a message from the ministry of health promoting condoms, but how do they decide to do this? A guy taking 2 calls on his phone on with girl A and the other with girl B , he's going to visit each on the same night. Arrrgh it sickens me. But that's just me, for some people sex is just sex and for others dreams of a meaningful relationship have all but been extinguished by an earlier heartache.
All in the eyes...
I have so many things i want to post here, so many thoughts running through my head like i wanna explode. Good stuff bad stuff a mixture i would say. But where shall i start ?, i guess i can blog about the present and work my way backwards, that would work. I am feeling really crummy right now, hurt actually...i look back on my past and i cringe with regret. I wish there was some way i could go back and stop myself from making all those mistakes with my ex, the main mistake being getting together with her. I was a novice at relationships, i still consider myself one at this point in time but gaining experience points as the days pass by. She cheated on me the whole two years we were together, looking back it all makes sense, all the constant accusations i used to encounter from her, it was her way of somehow covering her tracks. I was soo stupid. I am angry with myself for being so stupid. My gut feeling always is right but i never listen because i love to believe the good in people will overcome the evil , somewhere along the line i failed to realize that not everyone was brought up with my sense of value and morals. Case in point i asked a couple friends what were their thoughts on cheating, the replies were along this line....if it happen once it's not cheating....if no feelings are involved, its not considered cheating....if you have an itch scratch it, one life to live....its never cheating, unless you get caught....and the best one...everyone does it....after hearing the opinions, i wonder to myself if i am a dying breed of person that still be lives that once you are involved, you should try your utmost best to resist temptation.I still have more to write on this but i will continue tomorrow, i am way sleepy right now and to down :( to continue
Conflict
What does it take, to let you know that all i ever want and need is the truth? I'm a straightforward person, i don't make up elaborate stories to cushion people from the truth. If i did something, or intend to do something, i say it. Its my actions and i am solely responsible for them. Sometimes i wonder if the values of humans have changed, sometimes i wonder how other people see me?Hostile, dumb, nerdy, a hopeless person, introvert, mental case? Maybe all of the above. Who knows what runs through a person's head. I just prefer people to be truthful around me, if I'm bothering you, all you have to say is hey I'm busy , I'll see you around. I wouldn't take offense. Its when someone, say's hey i have to go for lunch now, and you see them walking in the opposite direction of the lunch room then i take offense...why the lie? Just be politely straight as much as possible. If only it was a perfect world. What am i talking about? lol.... my gf and i had a fight, its petty stuff but with her it cuts deep, have u ever cared for someone so much it scares you, therefore when that person offends you, the slightest of things can hurt the most, i guess that's where maturity steps in , you have to be mature enough to know you are blowing things out of proportion, mature in your thinking to realize that the other person maybe clueless as to what offended you, mature enough to know to accept being wrong, but most importantly mature enough to discuss and resolve. That's in fact what I'm trying to do right now, but for some reason i always feel like the big bad wolf, she readily accepts blame, but that's just cosmetic to prevent a discussion from happening. You know whats the most difficult part its trying to let the person see your point of view, which is sometimes nearly impossible. So i just caved in and decided to just let things be as. She takes some blame, i take some, story ends. But I'm left to think, all i wanted was the truth. Relationships are hard work, but i think it'll be worth it in the end.
Its the most wonderful time of the year
I cant believe that its December already!!! Ahhhh it makes me happy like i wanna jump up and down and scream, it also makes me sad, cause pretty soon January will be here and the wonderful season of Christmas will soon be over. I love Christmas its my favest holiday.....i don't know why i love it so, maybe the decorations, the joyful look on people faces, the songs of peace and good will, the food, the toys, the smells, the sounds.....its everything..the most defining Christmas moment is after the tree has been decorated, just to crawl under it and see the lights, the little decorations swinging in the ever so slight wind, how the colors just blend in with each other ...so peaceful. That's Christmas.
The Mighty Manning
What the old people in my family says is true, in fact most of the things old people say tend to be true..Book sense can never be better than common sense. Take for instance the fact that Manning has decided to halt funds to build schools, hospitals, and new houses and instead decided to continue the infamous CEPPEP and URP programmes...he also made it ever so clear that there will be no wage cuts for him and the entire Parliament. Case proven. He chooses to neglect the people of the nation once again, i just had a thought whatever happened to those mega farms that they were so intent to get off the ground? Its sad that the people of this nation have no backbone, me included...i try my best to do my part to ease the stress of my fellow man by being mannerly as much as possible cause everyone is so angry these days...i shop around for the best prices and don't splurge on anything, that's my way of preventing( better word is cushioning) the recession effect on myself. But the bigger picture is , well , so much bigger. I guess this is the view of everyone, its too big to think about, i wish someone would step forward and lead the people. All i can do is bitch about it in cyberspace. But seriously Manning is fucked up.