TSTT

My hate for TSTT has now boiled over, and is all over the freaking kitchen floor. Why on earth are there no other phone companies in Trinidad and Tobago, here's the shout, TSTT is moving everyone over to a "new and improved" telephone system so to complete that task , little grey boxes must be installed at everyones residence, which i have no problem with, the problem i have is if you are installing these boxes please for gods sake when you are done , make sure the phone working!!! I have been a victim of TSTT suck ass technicians, for the past seven days i have been without a phone because one of these techies didn't check to see if my phone is working after he switched the lines. SO now i have no internet and no phone, god i hope someone blows up TSTT!!! Yesterday i called to lodge a complaint only to be told that it will take 5-7 working days or them to sort it out, so basically it took one day for them to screw it up and it gonna take them up to 7 to un screw it. Guess i have no choice but to wait

Risk

I'm afraid of taking risks, scared that I'll get hurt. I'm not talking about physical risk cause i actually like to jump off from high places..lol.. I'm talking about emotional risk . Have you ever been scarred so much by people in the past that you are scared that you'll get hurt again, so you put up defenses to protect your heart, but then one day you meet someone and for some reason unknown to you, you fall in love with her, and you're willing to let down your defenses and love her totally, entirely giving yourself up in every way, but yet there is this little guy inside you that keeps reminding you that you have been hurt in the past and then doubt is placed in your mind, are you setting yourself up for more hurt? How do i know what to do? Do i follow my heart? Do i listen to the past? Am i yet another person who has been self chained by his experiences, how do i break free of these chain? The only logical answer is take a chance, take a chance on love.

Unsure

Do i worry alot? Sometimes i think so, sometimes i think its just me being human then again sometimes i think its me being too much of a human. Have u ever been sure about something, yet been equally unsure about it at the same time? Why are emotions complicated , why does it seem that in order for me to be happy , someone out there has to be unhappy? Is it the balance of life, for things to balance off that way? Right now i'm at a very happy place in my life, i have a gf that I'm in love with, i love my job, my family and i are getting along, school still sucks but i guess u cant have it all, but yet there is this voice at the back of my head saying enjoy it while it lasts, is it that i have trained myself not to be totally happy, to always guard my emotions, to prevent myself from being 100% into anything because the chance of failure is always there? Have i officially become my own worst enemy? I feel stressed that all these thoughts go through my head, i tried calling some friends to share them with but its like i cant seem to get a hold of any when i need one, yet when they need someone to talk to , or a shoulder to cry on, or even a test dummy to shout at there i am , dropping everything I'm doing to be there for them, guess the respect and care i have for them isn't mirrored, should i call my gf and bore her about the things that spin on the record of my brain? Nah i wont, she works and probably have enough on her plate to deal with, but then again I'm sure i can count on her to listen to me... hmmmm anyways as i write this its closing time here at work , so i better wrap up , time to go home and relax , maybe I'll do some meditating and things will be pushed into perspective.

Confuffled

Why is it that when life throws rocks at me , i cant seem to run for cover fast enough and always end up getting my head buss? I dunno nah, today i feel so crappy, like i wanna crawl under my bed and just be forgotten. Guess its just one of those days for me, and i need to talk to someone and guess what none of my friends are available to talk so its like do i have to talk to myself? Then that will make me crazy, but honestly i think I'm just two raisins short of a fruit cake . AAAAAAHHHH!!!! i wanna run around and scream. My gf just called me , i thought she was angry with me or something, but she's not, i feel better now just a bit but better its amazing what the voice of someone you love can do to you eh...lol.. Now back to the thoughts in my head, the millions of thoughts that float through my mind on a daily basis. Its too much to write down in one post .

Hate

I hate myself
I hate the way i look
I hate the way i perceive the world
I hate the fact that my spirit is broken
I hate the thoughts that crawl through my head
I hate being so naive

I hate myself
I hate that i was born
I hate that i will die
I hate that my family will cease to exist
I hate that i will go through life questioning myself
I hate humanity

Feeling up, Feeling down, Feel like spinning around

Do we as humans take things for granted? Duh we do all the time, i think lately i have been taking my gf for granted... Its hard to explain what I'm feeling , its like i don't get to see her all week and i miss her dearly yet instead of me calling her to say " hey i miss you" i kinda assume that she knows which is wrong, its always wrong to assume. But she's so busy with work , i often think that I'm bothering her, but is that the right thing to think , what if a meteor was to strike earth and kill us all should i assume that she knows i love her and that i would have destroyed that meteor to save her with my super fantastic mutant powers? Is that the safe thing to assume? Its confusing. It confuses me, why is expression so difficult , why is human expression so hmmmp, why am i unable to express myself to let her know that i think about her, that i see her face , her smile when i close my eyes? Am i afraid that i will sound obsessed? that i will scare her away? that i will come off to strong? but thats how i feel, thats how i would express my feelings, so its just one big circle of being afraid of expressing your true feelings cause your unsure what people will think of you.

Team Work

I was sitting here and i just remember the awesome team work Kisha and I pulled off Saturday, we went into pennywise, i had to get deodorant..lol.. so she hits the line as soon as we walk in cause it was one huge line while i grab a basket and run through the store picking up what i need, i got blocked a couple times by some old women who was headed in the same direction as me, but i cut them off and ran ran ran, i got back to the line just in the nick of time cause it was Kisha's turn to cash, it was super awesome..lol.. like we were a tactical assault team..lol..

Hate

My former friend JAVID KAREEM MOHAMMED has taken the liberty to spread lies about me all over the net, telling people on my MSN IM that i have aids, and is part of a local porn ring....WTF, I'm soo angry right now, people keep asking me if I'm HIV+ , and if its true, i mean for god's sake its not true, so i changed my im name to " Someone called Arc Angel (javs_786) is telling ppl i have Aids and is part of a local porn ring...ITS ALL LIES!!!!!" i also put it up on facebook and Hi5 , someone told me that I'm only giving him satisfaction, they maybe correct, but i don't care i want people to know its slander. What would drive a person to stoop so low, to commit defamation of character...

Giving up

Ever feel like giving up? Math has made me feel this way, there is no way in hell i can understand that crap.Exams is soon and i don't have a single concept down, whats the use of trying to understand when in the end i will ultimately fail the exam? Makes me wonder why did i even bother trying the repeat the subject in the first place... I'm getting a headache just thinking about it, i have never felt this much dread when it comes to anything before. Today i have math class and i don't want to go, in fact I'm not going, part of me feels really guilty and then the other part just doesn't care, for the past 4 months i have been telling myself that from today I'll start to revise and today never seems to come, part of me wants to try at least and then the other part just wants to run away and scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH, this is frustration in the nation. This afternoon i'm gonna go home and do some math, its better to try and fail than fail to try and afterall i already paid to write the dumb exam.

PIcs from Saturday

The day started off with Poppyseed cake , i was like huh doesn't this get you high? But it doesn't it just makes you test positive for using opium..lol.. we can live with that, it was really yummy, any day that starts with cake is a good day in my book.





For lunch we went up in the food court in Center City Mall, i had BBQ chicken and potato pie, and kish had Fry chicken and macaroni pie, the chicken was smothered in gravy, darn i should have opened the boxes.




The park that we didnt play in cause it had lots of kids there, hmm kids have all the fun

Clean & Clear and under control... some oil absorbing plastic paper that turns clear when its doing it job, and the best thing is it wont smudge my makeup..lol..

Kisha showing off her technologically advanced 2 in 1 comb brush combo set... now available for 10 payments of 39.95










Probably the only person in the food court combing her hair..lol.. thank god we done eat.









Saint park where people go to hang out and make out.









































Two Devils in Saint Park..lol..Kisha hair look kool














Hair still looking kool













Trying to be bad , but we looking like we hungry..lol..













Best t-shirt ever, i got one and so did Kish but guess what mines is bigger..lol..







Kisha bough this whole suit for Tristan as soon as he wears it I'll post a pic.

What a wonderful day

Saturdays, the nice day of the week, i usually spend it doing laundry, cleaning my room and of course the yard, but today i say flick that and went Chaguanas with my friend Kisha. Actually the real purpose of going there was to collect some pics of her boyfriend so i could do some photoshop work on it, but as the both of us was there and i needed to get some stuff we spent the whole day kinda walking around and shopping, and i enjoyed every minute of it. She of course had no plans of spending any money but like the typical girl ended up buying probably more stuff than i ..lol.. i carried my camera to takes some pics, i'll post them up soon. I should give a quick run donw of what happened, I had to wait like an hour to get transport to get there, i got a maxi, so there i am getting into the maxi pulling on the door trying to close it unknown to me that it was an automatic door.... everyone was staring at me.. got there like an hour late but Kish is a good sport she didnt yell at me, as soon as i got there i had to get some water and some candy cause i was feeling drained,it perked me right up. And then Kisha introduced me to poppyseed cake it was yummy, had it loved it may have it again if i ever go back Hi Lo, after filling up on what could only be described as a sugar rush, we were off...ducked into a couple stores, bought matching t shirts at Westport, although i dont think we will ever wear them together. Discovered that there was a sex shop in Chag. I was like OMG it have like adult stuff there, we cautiously walked in , i tried putting on " yeah its just some dildos and porn" kinda face,kisha was in front me, then all i heard was "Hello, Hello!! young man u have to be over 18 to be in here, i was like i am, and she was like yeah right, do you have your ID to prove that, so i whip it out ( lol my id ) and she was like OMG for reals, what's your secret , lots of sex? i was like no good jeans..lol.. she said well now that you are of age do u need any help, i was like no we just lookin..lol.. that was weird and what made it even weirder was that Kish was there .... we had lunch and made fun of some people, but in a good way :) All in all it was a great day wish i could do that every Saturday.

HeadHurts

My head is filled with all sorts of nonsense, i wanna scream till i lose my voice, there is a darkness that is tuggin at my shoulders, pulling me back into the an abyss that i once fought so hard to come out of....why now? why when I'm so totally happy does this abyss come knocking at my door, why? questions are flowing in my head , swirling like smoke , death is in my mind smoking a cigar, clouding my tongue, suffocating my judgment...why? i thought writing this would have made me breathe a little easier but alas i have but more questions on my mind.

Darkdays

Ever feel like giving up, throwing your hands up in the air and walking away from life? I feel like that today. I dunno why, i just feel like tired of this life, of this earth, of this planet, tired of my family , tired of my friends, tired of everything...just tired. I don't see the point in life, the point of working towards big goals and achieving big things, when in the end we are all going to die, in fact i have heard about persons that die while trying to achieve this stuff, so whats the point of working so hard? Why cant we just enjoy the gift of life? Why is there so much pressure from all corners of my life to work hard and feverishly? The question on my mind is why? I'll never figure out the answer, take for instance today, its rainy, its cold, i wanted to lie in my bed , to be wrapped up in my blanky, to lie there and listen to the drops hitting my roof, that would have made me so extremely happy, but instead i have to get up, go shower in cold water and come to work, that doesn't make me happy, now why cant i do what makes me happy instead of doing what is supposedly expected of me. Mind boggling i say, just freaking mind warping.

Everything Kills

Back off bitch i can kill you!!!

I just heard on the radio about Water Intoxication read about it on the link and be afraid, now i dont usually listen to stuff like that on the raido but my interest was peaked cause i heard intoxication and thought well OMG someone figured out a way to get drunk off water so my ears was peaked, but how wrong was i bottom line is drinking too much water CAN KILL YOU, i thought we were supposed to drink lots of water ... i guess too much of anything can kill you, so i broke down some stuff in my mind what to avoid too much of and why it will kill me or you for that matter.

Too much chicken : Hormones can mutate you, then you will be hunted and killed by the village mob.

Too much candy: Gives you an extended sugar rush, which will cause you to talk non stop, you will annoy someone and they will shoot and kill you.

Too much vegetables: Chemicals that the veggies are sprayed with will poison your system and you will drop down like a ripe mango and die

Too much Chinese Food: It is not advised that you go beyond the recommend intake of Rat and Dog, this may result in abnormal animal behavior which will have the same consequences as too much chicken.

I think i covered all the basic food groups, so my advice is just chew gum drink coke and eat cake, no harm can come for that.

Global Warming

I read in the newspaper that north Europe, had the warmest winter recorded in recent times... Ski competitions had to be canceled because there wasn't enough snow for them to ski on...weird.. but as usual people are still saying they are not acknowledging global warming as the reason behind this, that it may be just an abnormal occurrence, warm this year and an extremely cold one next . I dunno about u but i feel like running around in circles and screaming ,the world is going to end aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...

Mega Post 2

Math class still sucks and i still dont pay attention, but i have started to study on my own so things working out ..for now of course you know i must take some pics of the none sense i do in class..lol..

Here's a sheep i drew in my book, aint he kool

My name on my hand..lol.. idle




This girl made me laugh, cause she braided her hair in a Mohawk...yea some ppl just weird

Mega Post

Here's a quick run down of stuff i have for the longest while to post but never seemed to get the time .

First off a close friend and i went Ruby Tuesday to have dinner, it was great the food was awesome and the company was even more so. The bill was kinda high, but my pal footed it, i guess the next time we go there i'll foot the bill *gulp*..lol.. here are some pics i took with my cam phone, the mash potatoes rocked my taste buds. I had chicken fresca yum yum yum is all i can say.

You want a piece of me?

Tearing at my heart, ripping it apart
Taking pieces of my soul, I'm broken no longer whole
Keeping you in mind thats how i spend my time
Hoping that you care, swapping love for air
How did i fall so far...?

Feel Like this

Rip my soul out of my body
Forge it into a dark double edged sword
Attack me with it
Slash me across my face
Slash me across my arm
Puncture my heart with its tip
Let my life force drain out of me
Drip by drip
Let its soak the earth on which i tread
Drain me
Wring me dry
Destroy me with my soul

Poems of past

I recently found my poem book, i have a ton of stuff in there, mostly from when i was stressed and depressed so I'm gonna take this opportunity to post them here to remind me of what i was and what i don't want to turn back to.

Darkness follows me wherever i go
My soul lost in a swirl of hate
Following a path that no one knows
Why does this pain exist here, inside me, outside me, everywhere?
I cant keep afloat above it all
I'm closed in cut off, screaming so loud
No one hears, i break down
Look at my tears
Foreboding light i will never see
Darkness is a part of me
In the shadows i know so well
Away from eyes that judge
Away from fingers that point
Why do i feel this way
Will someone help me, save me, make me whole
Pick up the pieces I've thrown away
Give them to me
Bring me back to the day
Where i can see the light
Where i can be whole once more

A song with some serious lyrics

THIS SONG ROCKS I HAD TO PUT IT UP HERE!!!

MIssing Days

I feel so bad that i have been neglecting my blog, i have actually penned in time to update it on a daily basis, i only hope i can stick to it , have a ton of stuff to write about and its comes with pictures too so woohoo, but for now I'm sick, somethings up with my stomach i dunno, i think i ate too much pepper , but i also have a fever so i don't know whats up wit that. i haven't taken anything for it yet, cause i resort to pills last .for now i think my immune system is fighting it off, hopefully I'll be better tomorrow, o and btw i didn't skip work cause i had a ton of orders to place so i had to go, i crawled through the day and had to run to the washroom many times thank god it was always free...lol.. else i be in big trouble. Now i gtg need to stick to my new schedule will post some pics tomorrow.