Work was a bitch today we had stock taking...it was a full day of counting, worse of all the person in charge of entering data into our system quit and guess who was called upon to take over..yup me, so i had twice the work load than that of my co workers, it sucked but i did it-- cause well i didn't have a choice, my GM was in a serious PMS mood , that was not helping the situation at all, i was so tired that i skipped Math class and came straight home....but I'm glad its over for today, the bad part is that i have to relive it tomorrow-- cause yes, we have 2 days of stock taking..bleh.... *yawns* i should be in bed right now, i promised my gf i would get some sleep, but for some reason i am racked with guilt that i neglected my blog for so long and i miss writing all my crap here...lol...i better be off to bed now, hope tomorrow is a better one....now i'm thinking about breakfast...and yummy orange juice....*makes the homer Simpson aaauuuhhhhhuuhhh* dribbles* orange juice.....
The weekend i realized...
This weekend i realized that for some reason insects really like me, i dunno if its the Cologne i wear or the gel i use to style my hair..whatever the scent they seem to seek me out in crowds and embarrass me.OMG maybe they have an "embarrass icewolf club" , they get together once a week and discuss new ways to make me look crazy. Saturday i went to the grocery, this huge dragon fly decided to leave the millions of people in Xtra foods and land on my head....unknown to me cause of the hat i had on, so there i am wondering the crowded aisles, when all of a sudden this child screams and runs away from me, i was like wahhhhh ...i felt like a pervert of something, everyone was watching, then my sister finds me and says really loudly there a "batteymanzell" ( i dunno how to spell it) on my head and proceeds to hit it off with nothing other than a large box of corn flakes that she was carrying...ummmm...does this sort of thing happen to anyone else? The dragonfly flies off seemingly annoyed that his ride around the supermarket was gone, i however was so much embarrassed, that i hid in the detergent aisle till they were ready.
Its Thursday!!?
OMG today was like the most stressful day ever , well not ever , but in a long time. Came home with the biggest headache...sometimes i wonder if my job is worth doing all the stuff i do but at the end of it all, i love it. My gf helped me alot today, i came home all stressed and tired, she called me , we started talking and then i realized , hey the day wasn't that bad after all, i had a pretty good one. Its weird how she makes me realize the good things in life. I'm no longer scared of things going well , i think i deserve the good things...it time for me to let go of past experiences and embrace my great destiny...my new outlook: to live each day as positively as possible...to show the people who really matter that i care, to be a better human being....
Denial...
We in this country live in denial...we don't have a crime problem , but the murder rate is close to 400....we don't have a dengue breakout, but the number of confirmed cases have crossed 160, there is no inflation problem, but the price of everything has tripled, no problems in the hospital yet people are so scared to get sick, they know when they check in they may never check out.Ours is a perfect paradise where no one suffers, no one is unemployed, no one is robbed or murdered, everyone lives in perfect harmony....this is the bull that the gov't spews out at us and we digest it, why? I have no idea....
The budget....
OMG the budget presented by the Minister of Finance sucked major ass. How can a country with so much wealth have so many dumb people? The gov't thinks by raising gas and putting the car out of the reach of average citizens will help ease traffic congestion..ummm... so its back to the days where the masser whips the slave...in fact the rich is going to be a whole lot richer and the poor man will have nothing but his dreams to hold on to. It disgusts me. All that money and yet the basic necessities of the average person is out of reach...food , health, education...all of it so crummy..none of these ministers know the joy of living paycheck to paycheck, having nothing to save for a rainy day because nothing is left, or the joy of trampling over your fellow man to get into a maxi to take you home before the sunsets, because god help you if it gets dark and you are out there waiting, there is a 80% chance that someone will come up and rob you. Its so weird, that no one is saying enough is enough, we all will complain for a few days, then pray for like 2 days then we are back to normal...grumbling about it under our breath. I for one, no longer intend to spend my money unless absolutely necessary. Everything will rise in prices because of the hike in gas, even though the minister said that transportation vehicles won't be affected, but yuh lie woman, they will be affected and the trickle down effect will inevitably kill the poor man. While the whole world is experiencing some sort of crisis or the other our gov't is weaving our downfall, thread by thread...and we will take it cause we like it so...the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket and we are skipping merrily along with them.
Posting
I have not gotten back into the full groove of writing, in fact sometimes i just don't have the zeal to place my nonsensical words here anymore. I duuno ever since i lost my uncle , things are very different. It is affecting me in ways that i never thought it would. But life goes on, and after all if i keep the memories of him alive in my heart, he will never actually be gone now would he? I will try to get back into the flow of things, getting my emotions out on my blog so that the negative energy can be released and not adversely affect my life.I went Tobago today on a business trip, it was a wonderful experience and I'll have to write about it, but right now i am so high, like literally...i feel like i drank a ton of vodka...the gravol and lomotil i took , i think they are reacting with each other and making me feel like this. I hope it wears off soon, and nothing else happens. I realized today, while i was lying on the grass in Fort George, looking up at the trees, that I'm grateful to be alive. Yup so simple a thought, and yet it has profoundly affected me, the only scary thing is...now that I'm grateful to be alive will the universe see it fit to take it away from me, as it usually does with my happiness...only time will tell. I am making a genuine effort to be a better person, and surprising myself , like this afternoon when my other half called me, i came off a bit short tempered, for some reason ( i was hungry lol) ... i gave myself the "if that was me" talk, i called her back, apologized and we talked till i felt the weirdness disappear, told her how much i love her( yup i said love)....I missed my blog, and now that blogger changed its format, i feel as if I'm discovering an old friend all over again, which is great.
Easy does it
I "skipped" class today , well class skipped me, the teacher wasn't able to attend...i journeyed on my way home hoping that i would get the opportunity to spend some much needed quality time with my gf, and its like the universe was listening ...i did get to spend the majority of the evening with her.Cuddling and making out is the best part, but just having her there next to me...i feel complete and totally relaxed. She looked so happy , her face was lit up, smiling, giggling...i stopped for a minute , looked her in the eyes and asked...what are you so happy about?....she then said something that i hope and probably will remember for a long time...it because of you...because of me she's happy * jumps around* , because she missed me and got to see me today, because she's loves me, because i look happy....if i ever had a perfect moment in my life that would be one of it...i am so in love with this girl its scares me, i don't want to lose her or do something stupid to push her away like i always seem to do when people are getting close...therefore i decided to take it easy, one day at a time, just to simmer in the emotions that I'm feeling and to try and show her ,she means more to me than chocolate...and thats a big thing....lol....
I was attacked....well almost
This little fellow somehow got into the yard , made a dash to my bedroom door, i screamed my lungs out cause i knew if it found itself all the way in my room, i would panic, it would panic then we would both run crazy all over the place and somehow it would have ended up on my face gauging out my eye or something....so when i screamed ( a manly scream btw) it got scared and ran for its life, and i tell you, the bloody thing can run fast, it just bounded away and up the neighbor's wall and poof- it disappeared....i was smart enough to grab my camera and take a couple shots so people would believe me .
Stepping stone
Have you ever wondered about the past? Thinking that if you could do it allover would you make the same mistakes again? Just to get the lesson out of the situation? Is that what the past is about, god giving us lessons, molding us into better humans....forging us into the strong being he wants us to be? .....i have been doing alot of thinking, trying to find myself but its very difficult with all the outside influences beating down on me, but the lessons i learnt will always be unique to me.I miss my uncle, but instead of just swimming around in sorrow I'm going to use this to drive me to accomplish more in life, this has shown me the mortality in men...in myself... i never thought of death but it is an inevitable part of life...once born of this earth we must all leave it...so why should i waste my time on negative emotions that are contributing Nada to my life? I know sometimes i can't escape feeling down, but i have consciously decided to pull myself out o the darkness when i get there, instead of just giving up.Hope exists in my life and i finally see it...just goes to show that death just doesn't take away life, it breathes life into those who are alive....its a weird circle of life.
One Month
The night before i sat on my bed, tears welled up in my eyes , looking up at my tin roof i let out the longest sigh i ever had, then i talked to god....for what seemed to be an eternity , i spoke to him, at the end of the conversation....i knew what was going to happen.
5.45am my alarm went off, groggily i crawled towards it at the end of my bed, hit the snooze button and was lulled back to sleep by the hum of the nearby fan...then it happen...the most blood curdling, lung tightening , paralysing scream i ever heard...my eyes snapped opened before i knew what was occurring , my body lunged out of the bed and i was running towards my aunts house ( which is like 3 feet away) tears streaming down my face, blinding me...at the front door...it was locked, i ran to the back, it was locked, i could and can still hear the sorrowful screams of my sisters..they were already in there, i banged on the door, louder, harder, finally my brother calmly walked out, opened it and said to me..." Aunt Carol just called Uncle passed on".... dropping to my knees i cried, i cried for what seemed an eternity, i walked into the bedroom, my aunt was there, she saw me and stared to cry , fainting in the process, everyone was crying...the house was full of chaos...the neighbours came, and calls were made, i made one to my cousins in Arima....as soon as he picked up the phone and heard my voice he started to cry , i didn't even say a word...i managed to utter it , in disbelief...Uncled died...I texted my co worker to inform my GM... the rest of the day is a blur....i was in shock....as family streamed in more tears was shed , i was no exception..as much as i hated to do it, i openly cried...at some points screaming...i never in my entire being felt a pain so utterly inconsolable....a mixture of emotional and physical pain...
Everyone in the household seemed to be inconsolable, my uncle was dear to all of us...i called the one person i thought i would have found comfort in..my gf...but she said some things that made me feel worse...i guess its because she was inexperienced with giving comfort, at least that's what i told myself...my emotions were now tainted with anger towards her, but it quickly subsided being replaced with the growing feeling of emptiness...My room was now my place of solace, sitting there i composed my self mentally to be strong ....it worked for the rest of the day , that is until my cousin Brandon walked into the yard, one look at him and we were both goners, crying into each others arms, saying we cant believe it. My aunt Carol who is a nurse, came over she also shed some tears, she told us of uncle's last moment...with his last breath he called out for my Aunt... can a love that strong ever be broken? They were together for 28 years , childhood sweethearts...unable to have kids they treated my siblings and I as their own and we in turn showed them the same love and respect we had for our parents ...sometimes more.... equally they showed the same love and affection to my cousin's Brandon, Bryan and Ryan.....we were one big brother- sister family, none of us were blood related, since Brandon and his siblings are from my aunts side and we are blood relation to my uncle, but we loved each other as brothers and treated each other as such....the days that followed were filled with reminiscing the good times..laughing, crying, staring in disbelief at the wall...it was a roller coaster....we waited for family from abroad to fly down and when they came, the day of the funeral finally arrived, nothing could have prepared me for what i was about to experience.
Being a Hindu, there is alot of rituals involved with cremating the dead, i was chosen to lead a contingent of 5 related males to perform the last rights of my uncle. I was proud to do so. The day of the funeral came, i knew i had to keep everyone calm...so i whispered to Brandon to be strong for uncle this is the last thing we get to do for him and we should do it properly, he agreed...as soon as the hearse arrived...and i walked towards it to get the body out...i was crying, silently..i looked towards the others and saw that they also were shedding tears....the funeral was a difficult one, at times i couldn't control my sobbing, i was the first to kiss my uncle on his forehead, i can still the cold against my lips, he looked like he was sleeping...everyone said their goodbyes, no matter how difficult it was, my sister didn't want to let go, my aunt was in and out of it, seemingly on a never ending fainting streak, i think , i know....it was most horrible for her, i cant imagine the pain she must be feeling to lose the love of her life. At the banks of caroni, i did all the rituals and rites and then the action that i was trying to prepared myself for, lighting the body on fire ....before i did it, i whispered i love u and i will make u proud, with that i took the firesitck and lit the camphor on his lips, turned towards the crowd and walked straight into my sister arms, watching the pyre blaze i felt less sorrow and more happiness, at that point i knew my uncle was here with us, and that he had moved on to a better place. It still hurts today, i miss him everyday, and will always be thankful for the things he did for us, and what he taught me. I didn't know when i would have written this, but it just so happens that today the day i felt like writing about it, is the one month anniversary. I left out many aspects of the entire ordeal, i don't want to remember every single detail...i can say however that i have some great friends, who called and texted me on a daily basis, especially Devon, that guy was there from the beginning to the end of , he knew exactly what i was feeling as he had lost his dad the previous year, my gf ...i love her , it was a difficult time for her as well....it seemed that everything she said got me upset, i think i was just too sensitive, she sort of kept away until everything passed...my ex also showed up, to my surprise...i have no hard feelings towards her, she came out of respect and to offer her condolences. I surrounded myself with family, remarkably the things that are outstanding in my mind, is the laughter we all shared for the wake and the Ramayana that followed...Many good things came out of my Uncle's death one of the major things is, i have learned to appreciate life and let go of bad emotions, to just enjoy each day we have here....
Goodbye uncle you will be missed and never forgotten... the wisdom you shared, your kind deeds, your unwavering love will all be remembered.
Hmmmmm
I didn't know when it would have happened, i was sure that i had lost my zeal , my inspiration to write, but here i sit a feeling brimming within me, boiling over and splashing on my withered insides. Quenching the thirst that i felt for weeks, my fatigued mind has once again awoken to an energized soul. Feeding off it, it enlightens itself...I am here once again...the light that was once dimmed has found new fuel and burns brightly now...so i continue, i revel in my latent ability , smirking , smiling, laughing, can i do it once again?....can i word my volcanic thoughts, focus it onto the blank page? Emotions, memories...they swim within me like sharks on the hunt waiting , wanting .... My heart aches, my soul thirsts, my mind dim and my body weak......the story continues.....