absent

I miss you, there is an aching inside me
A thirst that only u can quench
How long has it been since i looked into your eyes
A thousand lifetimes?
It feels that way....

Though my memory can sweep me back into your arms
In a nano second
The essence of your beauty can never be captured
How long has it been since i entwined my fingers into yours
The time it takes a star to be born?
It feels that way.....

Dunno how to feel

Currently spaced out, wondering if pretty soon my life will undoubtedly change. Feel like crawling into some dark cavern and dying. Why do i feel this way, i have a family crisis everyone there is panicked and subtly i can sense them preparing mentally for the inevitable of my uncle dying. I don't understand death, i read about it everyday but never took the time to actually think about it. How can one cease to exist ...the laughter, the personality, the voice, gone? I'm not prepared. Ten thousand snakes are swirling around in my stomach , working its venom into me. No one understands, all my friends can give me is words of comfort, its not helping...I'm thankful for them and at least i have a couple people i can scream my problems to. I need some huggies seriously. Can anyone out there take me back to my unfeeling, uncaring self...the emotions within me is getting too much to handle.

Feeling better

Have i said how much my gf helps me survive? She did know something was up, but couldn't put her finger on it. I finally told her via an email, she sounded as expected, disappointed that i didn't turn to her. I explained that i didn't want to get her worried, if we were face to face i probably would have gotten a tap, her line was ( which made me realize everything) "i rather worry about one thing, than to stay up worrying about a billion things".... i read that line over and over , each time it made more sense. I think my problem is, being on my own for most of my life, i have my ways of dealing with stuff, but now that she's here i sometimes forget that there is at least one person on earth that i can lean on. One person that i can surely count on. I'm still very much worried about my uncle, but i no longer feel like I'm going to self destruct ...i guess whatever comes my way i have her to help see me through....

Ahh Wednesday

I have no news about my uncle, they kept him in the hospital, he is currently on drips and a respirator. the hopeful news is when the doctors see him later today there is a good chance they will order an emergency dialysis. This would be great, if they don't however that would be awful for each day that passes his condition gets worse. I can only hope and pray for the best, nothing else. I did not sleep last night once again, and today i look like crap...i feel weak for i have not eaten any food in 2 days, my appetite is gone, the only thing i wanna drink is orange juice but unfortunately i have none at the moment, the option is water. I have not told my gf that my uncle is in the hospital and this situation is affecting me greatly....now i am racked with guilty, and its not making me feel any where close to the destination of better. if the tables were turned i would have felt like a complete failure as a bf, knowing that something is wrong and she doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell me about it, cause i would want nothing more than to comfort her. Its not an issue of me feeling comfortable, its me trying not to bring her down with my problems....she currently has her share of difficulties in her life, me adding to it won't make her happy, so for the time being i guess, I'll try my best to doge questions about whats wrong....hiding the fact that I'm worried, or upset will be a difficult task since she knows me so well. Now i am submerged with guilt, worry and anxiety...over the horizon i see a mental breakdown.....

Pissed

I am so fucking pissed right now, i called an ambulance for my uncle over a half an hour ago and they haven't reached yet, his condition has gotten from bad to worse, currently he is gasping for breath, I'm going to cry and scream at the same time, i dunno what else to do but write cause waiting in the road for them makes no sense. The operators were completely useless in giving instruction as to what we should do in the mean time, everything was like 80 words per min how can they possibly expect anyone to understand. I hate it why cant people do anything right in Trinidad!!!! I think this has finally pushed me over the edge i will seriously consider my aunt in New York offer to come live by her, cause nothing here works...i pray that they reach here in time, I'm in a panic, i can see that this will be another sleepless night....

Sleepless in my bedroom

I did not sleep at all last night mainly because my mind was abuzz with worry and anxiety. My uncle's health is slowly deteriorating right before our eyes because he can't seem to get to a dialysis done, seemingly all the machines in the hospital is always being used ...there isn't much machines available in the fist place. Its very frustrating. He decided to take the surgery which will enable us to perform the dialysis at home for this reason, but in order for that to occur he must have it done at least once more in the hospital, but arrrrggghhhh there isn't alot of machines there, which makes me wonder what the hell!!!! I don't want to go into a rant about how awful this gov't is, cause we can see it everyday, i just hope that in time he gets better, because i am very worried. Today i look like a ghost, i sat on my bed all night just staring into the darkness and no matter how much i tried to calm myself i couldn't sleep. Hopefully tonite i will be calmer and able to rest.

Whatever happened to ....

Tristan, thats the question i got this afternoon from one of my online buddies...well here he is my little nephew, although born premature he has been doing well and the doctors said everything will be fine with him now that he gained some much needed weight. I love him, and especially love hearing him make all those gurgling sounds, when he's playing, so here is a pic of my witttle baby

Do so aint like so....

My co worker came to work this morning visibly upset, being the concerned person i try to be...i asked her whats up and boy did i get an earful....apparently the guy she was dating cheated on her, well technically she was made to be the outside woman since the guy was involved with another girl for over a year. She was so angry, and hurt...usually i would be sympathetic but alas i was not since she constantly boasts of having another man while she was with the cheater...this is what i don't get, how could you play the victim role when you were also playing the same stupid game as the guy, why should she be hurt when it was one day for guy1, and the other day for guy2...i don't get...after the hurt had passed she called up the cheating guy and confessed she had also been horning him, doing it as an act of revenge or something...the guy on the other end said he can't believe she would do that and he's hurt....ummmm am i the only one in reality here, Dumbo were u not doing the same thing? I think the world has lost its mind, and as i said in my previous posts , no one values love or being faithful..its all about sex . No morals whatsoever.

Put that in yuh pipe....

Today's Phrase

Mop a drop ...meaning to ask for a ride or lift free of charge.

Example: When i dun wuk this evening i have to mop a drop from Nadia cause i leave home my wallet.

Please ensure that you use this phrase at least once today.

Creature Feature...Dave

Creature Feature is on schedule today, the names have whittled down to a few scraps of paper. Since i only have a handful of Friends, no more elaborated scenarios of choosing the names...i will simply tie the names on rocks and pelt mangoes with it...., the rock that actually hits down the mango, that person's name will be here... *locates mango tree*selects rocks* ties names to rocks*put hand gear into motion* releases rocks* darn missed,*picks up another rock* aims , swings, throws* rock is airborne, but headed in wrong direction*nooooooo* collies with jackspaniard nest * run fool run!!* Heads for cover* an hour elapses* aims once again* swings rock* going..going... *smack* , and we have a winner* hurriedly runs to collect mangoes* and the winner is.....drum roll....Dave Seenath....crowd cheers and chants, Chow! Chow! Chow!...theme from X-men evolution plays in background.....




I have known Dave for about 9 months now, my unofficial partner in crime..he's not present for all the crimes committed, but still an accomplice since he eventually hears about it. He is one of my best friends always there with a kind word, or a tap to snap me back into reality. I look up to this guy cause he does things i can never see myself doing...being kind to everyone no matter how much that person hates you, he always put others before himself, makes time for his all his friends including the " i only call you when i need something" friends and this amazes me...i try to emulate some of those qualities...to make myself a better person. I guess this is a prime example of a friend who enriches the lives of everyone he comes in contact with, i consider myself lucky to have met him and to share a friendship ....i can still kick his ass in Tekken and we can blabber about X-men forever , he's likes iceman, i'm obsessed with Storm and for the record Storm can kick Iceman's ass....lol... all in all, like everyone featured here, he is one of a kind and an all round awesome person, so i just wanna say thank you for being a friend, and all the encouragement you have given to me, Storm rocks..ummm, i mean YOU rock dude.....

Some like it hot, some like it cold

My cousins from Miami is currently visiting us, so the events are hectic, to say the least. Unfortunately it isn't as fun packed as previous visits when we would move from the beach to the river to the movies to playing pool all in one day cause they aren't staying by us, my uncle's health is still if-y so the additional noise would be a no no...they are housed in Arima by family and i feel as if I'm missing all the fun. I did go Valencia river on Saturday, it was awesome. Clean, crystal clear, cold water...ahhhh, the water was freezing. I did something i promised myself i would never do, jump off the high ledge last time i did my leg cramped and i almost drowned, was the most horrific experience ever, i honestly thought that was it...my watery death, but luckily for me my cousin's came and pulled me up. There i was on the ledge, standing there, the rain sweeping across my face looking down at the pool of water below rippling with raindrops as if dancing to some unknown music, dancing for me, inviting me in...i shivered, the wind blowing , wet with determination i stepped forward inch by inch to the edge, it was higher than expected suddenly i was over taken with fear short breaths and a pounding heart...zipping me back to my near death experience. I was there courage lost, blanketed by fear, unsure of my reason at standing at the edge looking down and not moving, slowly i realized that an audience had gathered , looking up at me...mostly family...my head tiling down water streaming across my face, the chants greeted my ears "jump! jump! Jump!" my gf's voice filling my mind " please be careful i don't want anything happen to you" a decision had to be made, walk away safe and branded a chicken, a KFC leg and thigh bucket or jump and risk death. Closing my eyes, saying i'm not chicken, i was shouting it... before i knew what was happening there was no ledge below me... freefalling feet first into the water below...the deafening sound of water rushing across my ears , my eyes open , swimming up, up to the surface..i made it....conquered my fear. In no less than 5 mins i was up there once again screaming at the top of my lungs i rock!!!!....jumping in all smiles. I'm proud. The day was a cold but energizing one. Today was so hott, the lime was Maracas beach, but i skipped, need some time to just relax home and plus it had a small chance i was going to the movies with my gf so i took that, we didn't but i did get to see her which made it all worthwhile. I heard the beach was awesome, the bake and shark was even more so, didn't do much today the weather being so hott and all, really made me lazy...lol.. another weekend has come and gone, at least i know i did something wonderful like conquering my fear o yea, Friday my gf and i went pizza hut to dine in, ate my pizza with a knife and fork, for the very first time...woohooo... so thats 2 awesome things, the pizza was great sooo delicious .

Confessions of a fumbler

I'm not heart broken or broken, if anything i think I'm stronger and more confident...communication is definitely what can make or break a relationship, but i tend to fumble, over my words, my actions and my thoughts....i cant seem to funnel them...its weird in my head i try my utter best to speak logically, but when i speak its all a gurgle, like a turkey. This afternoon i realized that everyone is human, everyone is approachable...but most of all i learned thats silence has the loudest tones. I would love nothing better to write what else i learned, but i have an important email to jut down...and for once I'm putting that first....

Just realized

I only now came to the realization that today is not Wednesday but Thursday...makes me think that i worked wayy to hard this week, all the shipments and manual labor ...from 7.45 str8 through 4.30 non stop work, i actually enjoyed it to a certain degree but gosh that warehouse of ours is so hot, i prefer my office job...lol...right now apart from the hectic worklife, my personal life seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes, this time tomorrow I'll know how broken i am, i can't write about it now, maybe tonite....

Scared

Is it just me or has the world forgotten about the dangers of HIV? Today so many people are promiscious, unfaithful, whory...and no one seems to have any values, or a conscious..it goes beyond STD's ...it more of a moral issue now and the fact that society no longer upkeeps the morals that were passed on to us through the generations...everyone is whoring..... no one cares if u are involved, everyone is fair game...a ring doesn't mean anything , anymore....you have a bf...doesn't matter, what he doesn't know wont hurt him...i have a gf, so what..I'm always looking for new territory to conquer...i don't owe anything to my other half, the one i tell i love u to, everyone is doing it why can't i? ...this is the real life attitude of people...makes me sick ..am i the only one left on earth that believes in love , fidelity and trust...am i the only one who says hey I'm involved.....so as to avoid leading people on...am i the only one who thinks a relationship doesn't run smooth like oil, it takes lots of hard work, and commitment....uuggghhhh..i hate how the world has become. It makes me even sicker to see this behavior being glamorized on television, song, cinema...whats worse is that this is the example we set for younger ones...sad ...sad..

Tales of the future

I'm thinking that pretty soon my life will take a turn for the worse, i don't know why..but its the pattern of the universe...when its calm like this , a raging storm lies beyond the horizon...it has me uneasy...what will be the fall out?..heartache, family strife, a friends betrayal, job problems, death....who knows....worrying about what has yet to come won't make life happier now...so i'm gonna deal with it as it appears and no sooner, but mark my words..it is going to appear

O my Gawdness

I stroll into work today, up the stairs ..all merry like because of the rain, if i wasn't such a macho man with so much pride i would have been skipping..lol..got called into the administers office, in my head all i could have seen was my bubble being burst, but how wrong was i? very wrong if anything another bubble was blown, and is now floating around with the other one...i was handed a small box...filled with my very own one of the kind...call cards!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, my own call cards...my name and position and everything...i know this may not seem like a big deal but OMG it is for me, i have never had call cards before.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....call cards...I'm soo excited now i can say, here lemme give u my card...hahahhaa...and it wont be an imaginary card that i usually hand out to my family.....its a real one.....*sighs* rain, call cards....nice...

The beauty of darkness

i just saw the most mind numbing site ever, a dark sky filled with low clouds heavy with water..against this dark backdrop, specks of white birds made a stark contrast appearing and disappearing as their wings flapped....beautiful, i stood in awe for what seemed like an eternity, swallowing the scene, wanting to be there with the birds, or to be part of the cold clouds. I spent my lunch hour outside my office in a chair, just looking out over the Caroni plains witnessing the beauty that sometimes i fail to notice. I am ease right now completely relaxed, and smiling...for some reason the rain or the thought of rain always eases my burdens, its my escape...when its available ...where there are no clouds in the sky i wait impatiently for night, where i can get lost in the stars, yearning to touch them...to steal their beauty ....but that's a selfish thought, beauty of that caliber can't be hidden. This is the highlight of my day....that breathtaking dark scenery is now etched in my minds eye....every time i blink i see it, a smile creeps across my face. I can't wait to go to bed tonite...to relive this moment.

Emancipation Wknd...

The three day weekend seemed like it was just one day, before i divulge the details...i would like to take a min to try to make myself understand emancipation, i totally get the history behind it...and i think that we as people of Trinidad and Tobago should try and take it a step further, emancipate our minds...the mentality of many of us are still stuck in the ice age, i just hope that one day to come we will indeed rise above all things and emancipate our minds.

Weekend was awesome, Friday went to the movies with some friends.Man were there ever a million people there, the line was sooo long to get tickets, luckily my pals bought the tickets before i got there...speaking of which...i almost got into an accident on my way , the car i was travelling in almost rammed into a truck...i was shook up, if the driver's brakes were just a tad bit slow in its response, who knows, i may have ended up dead or worse...then to add insult to my shaken state, i jumped in a maxi to take me to cane farm junction, the man dropped me off in Tunapuna, cause i was the only one in the maxi...so what if everyone dropped off in curepe...i was like i'm not paying ( all the while screwing up my face) he agreed, so i had to hop into another maxi..but i made it eventually...a little late but there...the Mummy 3 was to me a disappointment cause i missed Rachel Wise soooo much as Evee...the other actress was sort of forcing it, but Michelle Yeoh was there so that made it sort of worth while although i think that her fighting skills wasn't at all highlighted..but say what..was good..Batman is forever sold out...are people soo obsessed with it? I wanna see it but the crowd scares me ( zombie phobia) hopefully when all the hype dies down, I'll get a seat in the cinema. Had stuff crust pizza for the first time, if you are not a cheese lover...avoid it..but i loved it, yummy....later that same Friday went to see Wanted and OMG that was one hell of a movie, Angelina is soooo hotttt!! Loved it the beginning was sort of boring, but as it progressed.. an adrenaline rush....go see it. Saturday and Sunday was, well not as exciting, stayed home actually ....lol...i guess the 3 day wknd was indeed one day for me.

Creature Feature ...Candice

Todays creature Feature will depend on the next friend that texts me....*Jeopardy theme playing in background*Stares at phone* Keeps staring* Shakes phone uncontrollably* *beep beeep beeep*
Text msg received from .....drumroll......Candice Phillips.....crowds jumps and screams.. i'm a little airplane now from Sesame street plays in background ....

Candy as she is affectionately know by me... is like the most awesome person ever, i met this girl in one of my computer classes, she sat in front of me...nothing unusual happened, until that faithful evening that my tutor was boring the soul out of my body , to keep myself awake and moderately pay attention i started to hum "put down the ducky if you wanna play the saxophone" from Sesame Street, apparently i got so carried away that Candy spun around looked me in the eye, and whispered " what song is that?' i was a tad bit embarassed to admit it, but before i could , she was telling me to scoot over..from the minute Candice sat next to me...we were inseparable friends...usually would we disturb the class with our songs ,no longer would i hum, i was "singing:" along with her...we were both huge fans of Classic Sesame street. I can write of the millions of times she saved me from my class stalker..or the time we got put out for distracting the class with our laughter, or being a instigator of slackness...or the time her coke fell from the 3rd floor unto some girls below and we ran for dear life....or when we had our final assessments and the examiner asked her if she didn't have MS xp loaded on to her pc, if she knows how to use the older versions and she replied in all honesty that she wouldn't do any work, and i burst out laughing and almost got disqualified....or the time she tried to take jamila's picture and kept telling the girl to go back, to go back and jamila ended up in a dry drain....but it'll take up too much space....lol.. just know that she's one of the funnest , always makes me laugh like a sket, happy person i have ever know, and i love her..and glad that i hummed that song, else i would have missed out on a great friendship.

Put that in yuh pipe....

Todays phrase...

Wha do he/ she...meaning: Whats the matter with him or her, often said with annoyance


Example: You're waiting in the shop, to buy a dollar red mango, when this girl just rushes by to purchase a dollar dinner mint, you then blurt out, "but wah do she jed?'

Please ensure that you use this phrase at least once today.