This weekend started off boring i didn't do anything but today i went mall hopping and was plunged into the spirit of Christmas, decorations really does make a difference. I love it, took like a million pics some of which i will put up here. Its late now and i have to go to bed, today i also confessed something to my other half, that i thought would have devastated our relationship, but it didn't ..just goes to show that god knows why he matched you with someone .
The Lonely Wolf
He sits atop the midnight mountain, looking out at the grass
Lonely and bleeding this wolf hides from his past
His howls and cries they echo from atop to the moorland shore
He's wounded, bruised and battered crouching on the floor
Alone he lies there faintly breathing, don't know how long he'll last
A scared and confused wolf, running from his past.
The clouds they gather above him, blocking out the moon
His only hope for redemption, will all be gone soon
The angry rain upon him, adding to the pain
A lonely wolf that's wounded will never be the same
His moans of anger and anguish, is drowned out by the sound of the tiny raindrops falling
Hitting the cold hard ground
He gives into his destiny, letting go of all the shame.
A lonely wolf unmoving will never be here again.
Anger
Anger is boiling in me right now, i feel as if i could just smash something..usually its my cellphone that gets the brunt of my brutality but i'm keeping it far away as possible.Water gone, it always goes after 6, and the time i choose to shower is after 6, gosh i am so fucked up...everyday i tell myself shower early before it's cut off and everyday i have to full water and bathe from a bucket. I hate it. I am currently experiencing some difficulties at home which just adds to my stress and sends little anger demons in my head. I feel as if i need to run away from this place, these people. Where is my happy place....o yea , a green meadow, with the wind blowing gently, a large tree i can sit under, a river running close by, birds flying over head...aaahhhhhhh heaven.If only i can go there now
A Lonely Wolf
He sits atop the midnight mountain, looking out at the grass
Lonely and bleeding this wolf hides from his past
His howls and cries they echo from atop to the moorland shore
He's wounded, bruised and battered crouching on the floor
Alone he lies there faintly breathing, don't know how long he'll last
A scared and confused wolf, running from his past.
The clouds they gather above him, blocking out the moon
His only hope for redemption, will all be gone soon
The angry rain upon him, adding to the pain
A lonely wolf that's wounded will never be the same
His moans of anger and anguish, is drowned out by the sound of the tiny raindrops falling
Hitting the cold hard ground
He gives into his destiny, letting go of all the shame.
A lonely wolf unmoving will never be here again.
Still Upset
I thought i was healed this morning, but as soon as i got off the bed i knew that my stomach was still sick. I threw up again, this sucks, I'm am so scared to throw up i have the fear that i would choke and die, cause i sometimes forget to breathe, more than once i find myself gasping for breath between throw up's. I dealing with this the best way i know how, by drinking lots of tea and club soda. So far it not working!!! I drank a chicken corn soup last night, i was craving it, it helped me so much, i slept like a log. It was yummyyyyyy. Today I'm just gonna take it easy and not move around too much.
My Birthday weekend...
Twas my birthday on Saturday and unlike many birthdays before this, i spent it in a happy mood. Took a trip down Mayaro with my GF to spend the weekend. At first i was a bit worried that my mood would fluctuate and i would be plunged into a dark abyss remembering the birthdays gone by where not even my mom would tell me happy bday, but i have to honestly say i made a genuine, conscious effort to be positive. And when the morning of Saturday came , i was in a good mood. My GF however was sick, was fate i say, that on my birthday when i thought i would be the one being taken care of, i was taking care of her, didn't mind at all actually. I spent some time alone on the beach quietly reflecting on my life gone by and my life to come, was very relaxing to just sit in the shade of a coconut tree look out at the ocean and thank god for life. I played a bit in the sand, threw some rocks in the water and almost hit the lifeguard that was walking by...lol.. when that happened i decided to go back to the resort. Later in the evening 2 Friends stopped by and surprised me with a cake, i was taken aback with this kind gesture. I cooked dinner,yup i made burgers and fires :), spent the rest of the night cuddled up next to my sick hunny. All in all it was a quiet, well spent birthday. O yea while on the beach i decided that i wanted to be alive and I'm glad i am.
A wonder
People like to complain, including myself its just the way we are, but what pisses me off is when we complain over and over about something say for instance... the government and yet do absolutely nothing about it. The people on the street ( i don't know what street) have had it with this PNM gov't so the polls say but you the know ironic thing is if an election was called today and the results were given out tonite, the PNM would win again...yup that's the truth and we all know it.
Sick
I have this terrible stomach flu that makes me not keep down anything, i just ate a chicken corn soup and I'm trying my best to keep it in. All i want to feel is better, i don't like being sick :(
I vex
Some fool left my bedroom door open, the rain came in and now my mat is wet. Now i have a wet smelly mat.
Wet smelly mat, why did they do that to you
Wet smelly mat, now i cant wipe my feet on you
How do you feel...
Wet smelly mat lying on the floor
The first thing i stepped on when i walked thru the door
My feet went squish and u went ow
The water hit my feet like pow
How do u feel.....
I have way too much free time on my hands...lol....
Helping Someone
My friend Candy broke up with her boyfriend. Her first serious one, so serious that she decided to give herself to him. Now she is broken cause they split, he was cheating on her. She called me for comfort and i honesty didn't know what to say, i was a bit dumbfounded at first but then i realized hey this is Candy, so i talked crap and it worked at the end of the conversation she was laughing her head off. But i did tell her to try and forgive herself first and then him, no sense in holding on to bitterness, take the lesson and move on. It has brighter things in the future, i know this will not pull her out of her heartbreak, but i really hoped it helped, i wish there was more i could have done. I'll check on her tomorrow. Life, weird how it works ...
Giggles
I have tickles, yup i finally found them after umpteen years of being emotionless when people stick their fingers on my ribs and rub in an up and down motion, it just annoyed me....i was dead, alot of them being surprised would seek out other parts of my body that would hopefully make me giggle, but none seemed to exist, not even under my feet, but these days I laugh and i love it......i guess i finally have a reason to to.
This week
This week better fly its ass fast, cause once Friday evening come i will be on my way to Mayaro for a very well deserved weekend of rest and relaxation. *sigh* i can't wait to see the sunrise on Saturday, a very special day for me. Its my Birthday.....I'll write more about that later, right now sleep is calling and i am so ready to answer.
Get Well
My gf is sick, I'm concerned, the doctor said it could be Dengue..tomorrow she is going for the blood test but so far she has the symptoms, her fever is rising and down like a see saw. One minute its high up and the next it is way down. Chills, back aches, painful muscles...OMG i am officially worried, people die from this...gosh...I hope she gets better soon. I miss her :(
Weekend thoughts
Life is too short. Don't wait for everything to be in place to start enjoying your life, don't wait till there is enough money in the bank, don't wait till after exams, don't will till u get a little older.... just enjoy it now. It sounds simple enough but alas it is one of the most difficult things to do, life happens and its up to the individual to accept it as positive or negative. I've been told by many people, ones close to me that i am a negative person. It struck me hard when my GF told me that the other day. I always saw myself as striving to be positive, but i guess i still outwardly portray myself as Eeyore...o dear, I'll just sit here and wait for the rain to fall, seeing as i don't have a house or anything...lol....i'm trying my best to look at the good in things, but its so difficult .... who knew being positive would be so much work, but i have made a decision to make a valid effort to see the glass as half full. So here goes......
Focus
I hate just going through the day with out a purpose, i decided to write down what i need to do for ME...not for work ( i have a list for that already) I wanna accomplish something meaningful each day, even if its something simple like avoiding fatty snacks, (that will be an accomplishment for me) or talking to a friend. I hope that this sudden zap of inspiration works out. Time for make a purpose for myself and stop looking for one.
I was thinking....
I need to stop worrying about what i might have done, and start focusing on what i must do to accomplish the goals in life.At least i know i did something right, and someone up there loves me cause they blessed me with a wonderful GF. That i am thankful for.Today a friend blew me off, like i said hello on IM and the person was like" yea?"....i felt hurt....maybe i was wrong to nudge, maybe i was wrong for wanting to say hello...but life goes on and although i thought my friend held me in higher esteem , i was obviously wrong, life circles on. I got over it and now know how to administer my friendship...in other words, there will be some cold shoulders soon. Work was hectic today, major projects still to be completed and more just keeps piling on, sometimes i wonder if my employer realizes that i am but one person, i think i work too well. I am still looking to switch jobs and elevate myself but everything has its time, i will succeed ....i am determined to
The Devil is Alive
A woman gets killed in an accident, you remove her cell phone, call her family inform them of the sad news, hang up... call back and demand $200.00 to return her phone...that's the devil alright. I don't understand how some people can sleep at night, worse yet walk during the day amongst other human beings.
Time to move on
My job is just pissing me off more and more each day, its not the tasks at hand, they are many but I'm very capable of handling them. Its my GM she has a pissy attitude towards all the employees..and its not boding well, there is talk of mutiny ..lol.. no serious alot of people just want to leave including myself ...why? Cause the lady just grumpy and it affects staff spirit. She doesn't say good morning, no smiles, no thanks for a job well done, no encouragement, nothing...just grumpiness...and every time i see her she looks greener, pretty soon all she will need is to be shipped off to whoville to take the place of the Grinch. It is very discouraging, this was the exact same reason i left my previous job, because the GM was a case, i love my job, but I'm not going to work in an environment that is affecting me emotionally, making me grouchy and sometimes depressed. I would understand if she was in this mood once in a while because we all have our days, but everyday, makes me want to throw up in rage. Only time will tell if my quest for a new job will succeed ...but in the mean time I'll have to bite the bullet and bear.
Doad
I don't know if i ever mentioned the frog /dog that lurks at the back of my house..I'm sure i have, but if i didn't here's the background. Its a rather large toad who is very aggressive towards me for some reason. Usually at night i would take a stroll in the back yard to look up at the moon and it would just attack me..then i would run off like a scared little girl, because i do get scared...lol... toads or frogs as we tend to call them scare me and this one paralyzes me with fear, I don't know what i ever did to it, but it seems to find pleasure in seeing me make a mad dash to the house. Last night i didn't see him when i went to the back, i was there looking up at the moon, when i heard this bumping sound coming closer and closer. I knew it was him, i didn't stick around to find out, i ran ..like...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...i know I'm a coward...lol..
Creature Feature...End Story
I received many thank yous from my friends that were featured here. Some of them very touched. I just want to say to all of them that i meant every word i wrote. I don't have many friends, in fact sometimes i envy the person that has a trillion friends, but then i realize that its not quantity but quality that really matters, and indeed the quality of my small circle of friends is like pure gold. Creature Feature has come to an end. I'll like to thank my Friends for visiting my simple blog ( of course they would to read what i think about them ..lol) The next step is to think of another feature, something fun...hmmm....*rocks back and forth thinking*
Lord
What on earth is the Country coming to?!! I know we have been steadily going down for sometime now, but to shoot at children at sea....OMG...WTF...that is heartless. I know for a fact that these people, no the monsters who perpetrated this crime will never be caught and as it usually happens with our "Trini" way of thinking, amnesia will hit and this will be forgotten just like the bazillions of other crimes that seemed cruel for one day, and then forgotten the other. We have been desensitized....nothing shocks us now. Does anyone remember innocent Sean Luke? It caused a huge hoopla for a day and now what? What was the punishment dealt out to the monsters that killed him, heartlessly...I hope his soul found peace, and his mom is coping because she will never forget.
Looking Back
I feel a sense of loss tonite, the past month has been so great. I'm looking back and just enjoying the memories that were made. You see my GF were on holidays, we spent alot of time together but tomorrow she ventures back out to work. With her working and myself working the time we get to spend is limited. I guess the only reason i feel sad is because i will miss all the laughter that we shared and the silly stuff we would do. Thinking of it now makes me happy, guess the most important thing is that i hold on to the memories that were made. Tomorrow is another week of pure work. I hope the week files so that the weekend arrives quickly, i love Saturdays when i could sleep in, it makes me so happy, the simplest of joys i try to enjoy, and no its not being lazy, its just my way of treating myself. So here's to a great week ahead, I'm so thankful for the past month October rocked....
Open letter
I cried so what, you know how much you mean to me. I tend to screw things up , i always screw things up, i get the feeling that you don't want me anymore, I don't feel as if I'm good enough. Its always the little things that counts, i tell myself that everyday, so i try to do little things , just to show my appreciation but it never works out right, maybe the world makes everyone see only the big things. I feel like a fool. That's how i feel. A sad , falling into depression fool. This letter may mean nothing, i just need to have words poured out of me. Its 3.34am , up and down we roll. All my fault is how i see it . I'm sorry for my faults. Its a hard thing, love...but i feel it for you. Now what? I dunno what else to write but I'm sorry for my behaviour , i understood alot of things tonite, things that never made sense before....now it does.....i am but a scared child, that's all...
Special
Have you ever felt so special, that you got all warm and fuzzy inside ... that's me today...i honestly have never felt this way. its AWESOME!!!. I got alot of attention from my special someone today and it made me feel so loved that I'm walking on air.....*floats away*
OMG Blue Waters!!!
OMG!!!! Blue waters have a hotter bottle, a cooler new look...with palm tress and sunshine,birds and stuff ...its like super awesome. A better grip too.....i get excited way too fast...lol...
Drama for yuh mama....
I was in class today, sitting like i usually do by the window so when miss bores me i can watch the birds fly by, i observe this middle aged woman standing outside in the corridor , just standing there staring into our classroom, no one else seems to notice her, she's just standing there with an angry look on her face. I follow her gaze and it lands smack dab on my classmate Savi. Savi in the meantime is oblivious to the fact that she has a fan, she's there giggling and laughing with the guy she's seated next to. Now Savi is a young girl 18 i think, then it dawned on me, this might be Savi's mom then all of a sudden the lady walks to the door, tells the teacher she wants to talk to Savi. Savi looks up, the lady shouts "come here girl" then when she is in arms length, badaps she get one lash on her back, and the woman shouts, "that's what you come to class for to giggle and laugh while the teacher is in front". The whole class drops silent , the mom and Savi walks out the classroom with Miss trailing behind. I just felt total embarrassment for her, and her mom.....Miss was out there for like 20 mins talking to the parent, while the class was having their own discussion, most of it beingabout the mom being sooo out of place and wrong, i totally agree. How could a parent be so disrespectful, i know there must be more to the story but still if u wanted to lash her do it home not in front of a class of 24 ppl, grown adults. I dunno why but i was just sooo embarrassed and wanted to bury my head in my bag. She returned to class , took her stuff and left. Miss came in shortly after, and basically said what we were all saying. I just hope Savi returns to class next week, i cannot imagine the embarrassment she must feel.....Hope they work things out.
Embarrassed
Have you ever unintentionally invited yourself to something that you weren't invited for in the first place? Aggghhhuuuhhhh i did that yesterday, i didn't realize what i had done until sometime after...i was sooooooo embarrassed ...I've heard many stories of people inviting themselves to events they were just hearing about, and out of being polite the inviter would just smile and not say anything but inside is wondering WTH no one invited u, but realizing my mistake i backed out at the last minute *wipes sweat off brow* i was saved....now i have to be extra careful not to repeat this again.
Back out to work
Back to work after my very short vacation and nothing has changed literally...everything is exactly the same way i left it on my desk including the instructions to have certain tasks accomplished in my absence , its like my desk was on pause and i pressed play this morning. The same tasks that i left for my co worker to over see now has to be rushed they are a week late , sucks huh, guess i don't have much respect in here, either that or she is way lazy, neways most of it is done just a couple more to do and alot of apologizing to customers...thank god I'm not one of those ppl that would have flipped out, i just took it in stride when i asked and she said she forgot..pfffttt yeah right. I bought some new clothes and i feel like a fresh orange...all positive like... i hope i stick to the changes i made in my mind...o wait i didn't write what changes i decided to take, i'll write about it soon. But so far i feel good like there is a light shining inside me which is way better than the darkness i constantly fight. BTW my vacation was fun, spent alot of time figuring out myself. The only downside is that i wont be able to sleep late, but say what there is always the weekend.
Creature Feature....
Today's Creature Feature is a special one, I've been wanting to big up this person for awhile now so I'll skip the selection shenanigans and just dive right into it. Today's winner is ...drum roll.... Devon Devraj.....crowd applauds loudly...*theme from the movie Om Shanti Om plays in the background*
I have known this guy for what feels like forever, but in reality its been less than 2 yrs, yet we have become really good friends. He was my supporting shoulder when my uncle died , his dad passed away last year so he could have related . He dishes out some great advice and gave me tips on how to cope with all the stress and grief and for that i will forever be thankful.He's fun to chat with and is really an inspiration for me to strive to learn more , he currently pursuing his degree. I'm sorry i don't have a pic to post up but for now that smiley face will do. Easy to talk to and just an all round kool guy. I just wanted to say thanks for being there for me buddy, I'll always remember it and hopefully one day i can return the favor. So everyone on the big WWW this guys is way kool and I'm proud to have met him and most importantly call him FRIEND (who was saying that you can make friends for life on the net?)
My Learners
I decided to go for my learners permit in the Chaguanas Licensing Office, i can honestly say that it was one of the worse (now funny) experiences of my life, thus far. I went on Thursday but forgot one of the important documents home so like a fool i had to turn back, i was so angry at myself for being so dumb and forgetful , i spent the rest of the day wandering and mumbling under my breath of how dumb i was, one of my Holiday days shot to hell. The Friday i journeyed back, got there bright and early was like so happy that i was the 3rd in line, but alas when i got at the front of the counter i was rudely informed that my photograph was too small...rudely meaning the guy saying "papi yuh pic too small" ( makes me wonder if these public servants or him in particular was ever trained as to how to talk to the public) i got angry at the photo studio seeing as i had specifically told them what i needed the pics for Texas Digital Photo Studio you suck, i wish they would better train their staff, they of all people should know the size of the photographs. Anyways so i was on the verge of breaking down, looked behind me and the line was never ending, the guy just shrugged his shoulder and said " take them ova and come back" i did go and retake my pics, got back to the office, joined the line....waiting there ...the clerks taking forever, i counted 25mins per person. I get to the beginning of the line happy that some release will be had, then one of the clerks stand up and says that the counter is now closed, at 11.15am!! and it reopens at 1pm ...their lunch time...I'm at the front of the line and the counter closes i just wanted to screammmmm, but i didn't i calmly walked away, went Marios to get something to eat, my GF called and sorry to say that she may have gotten some of my anger and yet she calmed me down. Told me to go back and try again, as much as i didn't and gave up at that point ( i decided to buy it like every 3rd person does) So far i wasted 4 hours, at the last minute i made the trek back down, a million people were waiting in front the door, somehow i managed to squeeze my way to the front, they didn't open at 1pm it was exactly 1.15pm before the guard opened the door and it was a mad rush. I rushed also, got there and once again was the 3rd in line, silently praying that nothing would be wrong again, standing there for about 1/2 hr before the first person was processed, mind you the counter closes at 2.15pm so I'm there hoping that this guy hurries but to my dismay as he was always doing, laughing with the girl next to him, a supervisor came down and the persons behind the counter got silent, the line started to move, people were being processed in 10 mins it was amazing, i was processed thinking that this was it but noooooo had to wait till 4pm to get back my papers. So i spent an entire day there. I was happy that at least i got this out of the way. I wish the supervisor had come down earlier. To the guy in the black shirt and the big gold chain that was processing everyone i wish you would shut your yap and do your freaking job ( i know he's never going to See this but still..lol.. my way of venting ) I have to think that they are so lucky to open at 8 am close at 11.15am then re open at 1pm and close at 2.15pm...gov't workers can't live with them..that's all....
A single dollar
My wallet is often full o f one dollar bills, for some weird reason. My co worker says I'm stripping on the side, because at any given time you can find 50 there. I bought a card for my GF recently, took out 100 to pay, but the cashier didn't have change, so i finally decided to part with some of my single friends.While counting out 30.00, i came across one dollar, that had alot of words scribbled on it. I pulled it back because like the fass Trini i am, i wanted to know why would one person scribble so much on this dollar bill. I paid for my card, sat in the mall and read this dollar, my heart ached for the person that wrote on it, its 19 year old girl, this is basically what she said:
I'm a 19 year old girl, i was broken out ( lost her virginity) when i was 15 years old
By a man 5 years older than me. I loved him with my everything, but after 2 years i found out he was cheating on me .
Since then i have never been able to stay faithful to one person
God forgive me, you know my heart.
I will never be able to trust anyone again
Isn't it sad, that someone is this tortured, i don't know how long ago this was written it was a pretty old dollar, but i hope this person can heal their heart and their soul and learn to love. Cause i can relate to blocking out love, you miss out alot when you do that, I'm not talking about just bf/gf love, i mean love...family...friends... they all give love and some of us choose to ignore it. Love is often to defined as just between a bf and a gf, but it took me a long time to discover that love can be found in many aplaces.
Dear god,
Please see that this person is healed from inside out..give her strength and wisdom to overcome her scars.
Thanks alot.