Alone

Today i feel alone, like I'm literally by myself in this material world, no family, no friends, no one to talk to.... i think I'm getting depressed, actually I'm a bit depressed already. Why do i get this way? Do i have some sort of chemical imbalance? Maybe i worry too much, about the stuff thats going on in my life, the direction its taking, where i want to be , where I'm going, MATH how come i just don't seem to get it,my phone line is down and it doesn't look like its going to be repaired soon, my gf how come we drifting apart, my family seems to be falling apart at the seams and my friends seems to have abandoned me in my time of need, so am i really truly alone? Or am i just looking at the glass as half full? These thoughts run through my head keeping me awake at night, i know i should talk to someone about it but the thing is i cant seem to get hold of someone to talk to and when i do finally speak to someone they are in a such good mood that i don't want to bring them down with my problems, but how do i deal with this by myself?!!! I think i found the reason why I'm feeling down. The stress has become too much to handle, and when my sleep is affected its something serious cause nothing i can remember has ever affected my sleep, o wait i lie one thing kept me up for weeks , but i wont go through that here, but lets just say it was a period in my life that i would never like to repeat or ever wish upon anyone. Auggghhhh my head hurts. Usually i would write poetry to get my feelings out, but my creativity is lost, i don't feel creative at all, its like someone stole it form me...i feel empty inside, i haven't done anything creative in a long while, makes me sad actually...someone better come soon and pull me out of this else I'm going to fall into a pit of darkness and who knows i may not be able to climb out again, yes i have fallen in that pit before took all my strength to come out and the way I'm right now i don't have the strength to claw myself out of there. On the bright side of this....who am i kidding it has no bright side, just me slowing being sucked into the coldness of my life. The weather seems to be reflecting my mood, it has become overcast and outside looks bleak, i hope it doesn't rain now while I'm in work, i want the rains to come when I'm home so i could go outside and stand in it, if anything in the world can bring peace to my troubled mind its the feel of those cold tiny drops on my body maybe because for the time I'm there I'm not there if you know what i mean, i get lost in the sound of the rain, in the feel of it...so for a brief period I'm not me, I'm just part of the rain, the giver of life, part of the smell, part of the coldness....I'm not me, thats why it makes me happy, cause i could pretend that I'm not bound to this plane, that i only have one purpose, to nourish the earth. But then the rain would stop and reality would come rushing back to me and once again I'd be struggling against myself to keep my head above water. And there the rain falls now, so its like everything is against me, no retribution for this wolf. Hopefully i can get some chocolate in my system today. Wow I've written alot , i actually feel a bit better hopes the feeling lasts.....