What are u?

Are you a liar , a preacher, a reality teacher
A hater, a crier, a happiness buyer
A healer, a stealer , a confidence dealer
A thriller, sum filler, a crazed out of your mind killer

Are you a screamer, a lemur, a wide eyed dreamer
A lecher, a creature, a hands on the clock feature
A panther a lion , an enigma made of iron
A tear drop, a sly grin
someone who thinks only losers win
What are you?....

Trini...

Trini People will always be and continue to be fass (or farse however u want to spell it) This morning on my way to work, just passing grand Bazaar I was greeted by the sight of stand still traffic, instinctively i knew that an accident had just occurred. I pulled out my newspaper to pass the time, on arriving on the scene of the accident.......nothing was obstructing the flow of traffic, the wrecked car was pulled to the side of the road, the police was there urging people to "come thru" ...what was causing the traffic....fassness...lol..people were just slowing down to see the damage on the car, after the caroni bridge...it was freeflow from there....just goes to show...no matter how much American culture influences us, we will always have our Trini ways.

I try not to complain...

I am cold today, inside and out...I'm getting fed up and tired of this crap. The up's and down's is really starting to affect me. First I'm happy, then I'm sad, then depressed,then I'm angry, then i feel neglected, then i feel guilty for acting like a spoiled brat, the cycle repeats its self over and over...an endless record playing in my head, playing out in my life...i grow tired of this.I'm here typing and all i can think of is the endless suffering of people in the world, i have it so good compared to them. Now what? I can't stop myself from feeling down, i can only try to remember all the good things, how does that song go...raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, hairstyle and poses and Hollywood vixens...? Something so...but the point is ..how am i to be in the zone, the zen zone when constantly life is trying me....every time I'm up, hands reach to pull me down....every time I'm down....luckily i realized that i have friends that reach out to bring me up. Yesterday night i was depressed, i did some stuff of which i am not proud of so it will not be placed here, but when i thought i was doing something right, it turned out to be something so utterly wrong...yea i was down and out, but instead of just wallowing in self pity, i called a friend....i talked , laughed, felt better...the power of friendship.... then i called Kristen cause i wasn't able to sleep and that was the best decision of the night....after the conversation which lasted till about 12.15am, i still wasn't able to sleep , i sat on my bed and just talked to god....i sank into dream land around 2am this morning...now here in work I'm struggling to stay awake.

I'm not an expressive person in reality, my only means to drain my emotions is through writing, and my so called poems....i made an attempt yesterday to tell a friend how i felt and all it did was cause misunderstanding. I'm trying to be a different person to let people in, its so much easier said than done, I'm constantly thinking that my problems will bring people down if i share them, therefore i keep it bottle up inside..I'm learning ...trying to be a better person...takes alot of work....

Sorry

so i screwed up a bit, I'm human its what I'm born to do....i'm sorry.Thinking is not one of my strong points, and doing it before i speak never works.

Makes me wonder....

I often wonder why is it that people with color (white) always place themselves above everyone else, i don't know about the rest of the world but here in Trinidad, from my personal encounters and observations, its common..once you are fair ...you automatically think hey I'm better than you.Its all classes of society. I've seen it happen from the poor girl walking to the parlor to the high business owners who snob each other because of this...i have seen persons at restaurants be given better service because of their skin color....when will everyone realize that no matter what, when we go to the maker, he sees not color, in fact i think he doesn't see anything but the good and bad you did...the kind of person you are, the person you were and i have to say that some people are badly off...very badly off. Makes me wonder if i am proud of the person i am...the answer to that question remains an enigma to me, since i have to yet figure out who i am, but the journey to that destination may take all my life....in the meanwhile, I'll continue to fight the demons within me , try my best to be good , lean on my friends for support cause i know I'm not alone on this earth....

Creature Feature...Keegan

Creature feature has been in and out of this blog so many times you would think it was Tommy lee and Pamela Anderson..omg did i just write that..lol..but its back and a day late...yay!!!, yesterday i was out of it so i just didn't have the zeal to post. This week's Creature Feature is......throws names up in the air....*grabs wildy at it* *ow my eye* *screams like i just won something**unwraps piece of paper* and the winner is....drum roll please.... Keegan Maharaj!!!!! Crowds screams and does the hula hoop...theme from Samurai Pizza cats plays ......

Yips ( that's his nickname) has been a friend to me in a time when it seemed all my other friends were too busy to listen. I was at my lowest and he was there to say "hey man you don't got to be like that", and when i refused to get out of the pit i was in, he jumped in to keep me company till i was ready to be cheery once again...i wanna say thank you. Funny, remarkable and as of yesterday my twin...cause i was feeling for pizza and he was eating pizza it...super kool, and an all round good guy. Let it be known to the whole triple W that Yips aka keegan is my bud and super awesome. Thanks man for everything. Hope we continue to be twins and Friends. I got your back dude.

Call me ..the EXterminator....

Today i killed a snake in work...uggghhhh.. i don't fear them, they are pretty kool if you ask me, but i had to kill it cause it would have found its way into the office or worse yet, in a draw curled up ready to protect it self...the girls that work here...well if one of them ever encountered a snake , we would have a living snake and a dead girl ( from a heart attack) I know I'm coming off as evil right now....but this is what occurs when your work premises is located the middle of nowhere, and next door to the middle of nowhere is being graded down for construction so therefore all the creatures living in the bush will run or crawl across to our building, I'm on the look out for more creatures. I expect that bad karma will once again make its round in my life for this, and I'm ready to accept the consequences, cause right now i feel so guilty, but i did say a prayer for it, if that makes a difference.

Lesson learned....

Its 1.26am, i can't sleep...but not in a bad way..in a good way actually. I learned alot of things tonite, about myself. My perception of the world is changed. I now know that i don't have to face the issues of life alone. There are people out there that care and willing to help. One person in particular i have been pushing aside for fear of bringing them down with my problems...while i thought i was protecting this friend all i was doing was causing hurt, cause they felt as if i was distancing myself from them. But i got a pillar to lean on, someone i can turn to. Tonite i erase my fears and doubt about humanity and i will...trust.....

Headache

Its 11.10pm I'm no where close to sleepy...hunger has set in, i have not eaten food in 2 days..all i had was some oatmeal cookies and tea. I know bad for my health. I'm so frustrated with life i wanna die. Part of me is saying i shouldn't be complaining, many other persons are suffering , there are larger things happening...but i cant help the way i feel. I feel alone. Helpless, uncoordinated, stupid. Many, many things are bringing about this sense upon me... but two seems to stand out, family and friends...whats is family, what are friends, where is the line that is crossed where ur family are your friends and your friends become your family....i have none...i feel like i have none. Its crazy, I'm so down, so low....i don't want to be this way, logically I'm thinking, hey grow up and enjoy ur life, but my emotions wont allow me to just brush them aside and move on. I am deeply hurt.Unappreciated. Taken for granted. I just want someone to say thanks. A pat on the shoulder, a surprise. I feel as if i give and give, while i get nothing in return. Am i being selfish? or self centered? Its scary, one minute i'm riding high, and the next I'm struggling to stay alive. Life spins me around.

Someone asked...

Someone asked who my untitled poem was dedicated to...and my honest answer is ....its dedicated to me, from me. Its about me. Its the most honest thing i have ever written. And its so easily over looked.I often wonder to myself why i continue to write on this blog....but it helps me express and remember.

Things i discovered today....

I went roving around the country today on errands for my company, cause the administrator is ill. Here are a list of things i discovered:

The traffic lights at Sagicor doesn't turn red unless u press the button....i realized this after ten mins

I hate small stepped stairs, it just doesn't make sense..makes me appear to tap dance

Most doors push inwards to open...don't pull on the ppl door for 3 mins wondering what the hell

No matter how much u think elevators rock, they don't unless a really fat person is jumping in it trying to answer a cell phone squished in her back pocket

Glass doors are made of glass, clear glass..be wary when walking

Don't pin visitors passes at the end of your t-shirt..it can fall off then u would be searching the building for 10 mins.

Bank transactions depend not on the banks policy but the teller....this is an entirely different post.

The sun is always hot...it is never cool

Do not kick stray dogs away from sitting near your bench...they rush

Toy mart is for kids...

Chillers aren't chillers if they are left out in the car, in the car park

The parkcade scares me...so claustrophobic

Honking your horn incessantly behind a car, only to realized its parked, doesn't bode well with me about your driving skills

Thinking happy thoughts does not make the other person act nicer

Keeping a pen in your back pocket....not a good idea when sitting

Singing along to these boots are made for walking, by Jessica Simpson loudly while the window is rolled down....gives u weird stares from ppl.

And this is what i learned today.....

Cosmic

I sit on the hill top chanting
The wind caresses my face like a lover of a past life
Drawing me into her embrace
Like a crow drawn to a shiny object
I give in

The sky darkens, my lover sighs
For the sun has died
The sands of time sweeps around us
Lifting us upon the highest star
Moving us away from the dark shadows below
Away from the soothsayers

In an eternal dance we sway
Cosmically stepping across the river of stars
Keeping close, unwavering
in our love.....

Spellbound....

When i am stressed, or depressed i take the lights off, sit in darkness and stare at the nothing. Sometimes i would sing silently to myself, until i calm down...its the way i deal. yesterday was no exception, after a hard days work, i come home to some drama from my mama.Did not bode well with my aura, and before i knew it i was once again staring up from the pit that i usually sink myself into. Depression and anger, stress and hate....emotions that turn and twist within me like snakes coiled in the ceaseless dance of love, the only difference is at the end of it all, only venom is produced.Venom that i ingest within myself... I don't share my feelings with anyone, wait....i lied...there is one person on earth, that knows me...its astounding how much that person knows.....I don't know why i constantly battle the demons within me, struggling to be positive when its so easy to be engulfed into darkness, i wanna be in the light....one thing i can say that has changed, i no longer give in to hurting myself...feeling the physical, to cure the mental...I've resorted to sitting and staring....spellbound by the darkness outside while fighting the darkness inside.

Untitled....

Can i say sorry to you..for being so unforgiving
It wasn't your fault, innocence lost
Can i say forgive me for the selfish acts
Of unkindness, and physical pain
For hurtful words uttered
repeated, like a mantra
to you....

Can i ask you for a hug
A real one...with love
Its okay to cry....
Tears you hold back
Weep them now....
Silently or deafen the world
Its okay....

Can i cover your wounds
your scars...
With my own skin
I'll protect you now, from the hurt
The pain...
We will share them together...
As one....

Can i whisper words of comfort to you
To chase away your fears, to soothe your heart
Its okay to trust now
to love.....
you can come out to play
in the rain, in the sun
Its okay to laugh....

Untitled .....

Can i say sorry to you..for being so unforgiving
It wasn't your fault, innocence lost
Can i say forgive me for the selfish acts
Of unkindness, and physical pain
For hurtful words uttered
repeated, like a mantra
to you....

Can i ask you for a hug
A real one...with love
Its okay to cry....
Tears you hold back
Weep them now....
Silently or deafen the world
Its okay....

Can i cover your wounds
your scars...
With my own skin
I'll protect you now, from the hurt
The pain...
We will share them together...
As one....

Can i whisper words of comfort to you
To chase away your fears, to soothe your heart
Its okay to trust now
to love.....
you can come out to play
in the rain, in the sun
Its okay to laugh....

Bad...horrid dream

Last night my dreams took hold of hand and plunged me under icy cold water...drowning me... the world was under attack from aliens and zombies, everyone was being killed more like slaughtered...i was running so fast, so hard..away from everyone, trying to escape...worrying about my family...through the cold dark streets of San Juan...all that was heard ..piercing screams ...people being killed and eaten, the stench of blood filled my nostrils...the rust smell..was overwheling....zmobies...fast moving ones, would sweep down on survivors biting, chewing, eating them...others were carried off to the aliens, to be cut open alive...running, all i was doing was running, never looking back...crying that all my family was dead...then i hid in a drain....a ship landed and many bodies were taken into it...some living, some dead...some in parts....there was no safe place...i did what any sane person would do...i pretended i was dead...then i killed an alien...with my bare hands, felt soft and gooey...got its gun and proceeded to battle, any and everything that wasn't human...my last scene was me being bitten by a zombie...i woke up sweating and scared...at the very same time the dogs started barking and yelping like something was attacking them...i was frozen stiff with fear....o in case you didn't know zombies is like my worst fear ever. What a dream...my advice..don't have so much sugar before bed.

Wipe the slate clean....

I am indeed my own worse enemy....seems something inside my mind loves the feeling of spiraling down a bottomless pit. I just came off yahoo mail, which i have not used in ages, but there i am, signing in for some reason, since no one knows of this address.. i wasn't expecting any emails...and i was right..lol.. flipping through the old read mails and i come across all the mails my ex and i used to exchange...instead of deleting it, i start reading...and now I'm down.... didn't go through all of it just random ones but a pattern formed, after all the lovey dovey stuff ...the anger from her side was seeping through the words,... i go to the sent items ..and there i am writing love emails to her, excusing her for the behaviour she continues to portray...i feel sick now, why was i that stupid and such a coward, to have stayed in that relationship even though the girl was treating me like crap, we practically fought everyday, but i was still forgiving, and reading those emails now....its embarrassing to know i open myself up to one person like that and then to be kicked in the balls. Its weird how we went from complete strangers, to friends, to more than friends and now back to complete strangers. The life cycle of love eh. Thoughts are now running through my head, and its breaking me down, slowly...i don't want to feel like this...it just shows that she has some sort of power over me, and i don't want her to even have the satisfaction of a memory from me. I'm wiping the slate clean, no more shall i remember that period, just the lessons taught and learnt...right now ....i have so much better things in my life....

A love like no other

I never felt a love
Like this before
It's a love like no other
Something I have always hoped for

A love with friendship
Humour and heart
A bond so strong
It would never part

A love that makes you smile
From ear to ear
A love that is joyful
Without any fear

A love that is beautiful
From the inside out
A love with no tears,
Pain, or doubt

A love with soul
So tender and true
A love that I have found
Only in you...

Random

Your eyes won't let my thoughts go back to sleep.
Your words draw me across 2000 miles.
I don't know you at all, and yet I know
You better than my friends of many years.
The days I spent with you are like a tape
I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play.
Whenever I remember something new,
I feel as though you touched me on the cheek.
I miss you like the grass awaits the wind,
Or as the morning sky awaits the sun.

Put that in yuh pipe and smoke it

I'm really excited about this feature, going through the book i laughed so much....i used this line all the time... "when de Mark Bus"

When de mark bus: When the covert activity becomes public knowledge.


Example: She horning she man, when de mark buss..some body will get chop....

Please ensure that you used this phrase at least once today.

Creature Feature ....apologies

Been how many Mondays since i did my creature feature, just seems that i don't have the time , which sucks cause i have many friends i would love to give a shout out to....I'll try my utmost best to have someone up next Monday. In the meantime, i have acquired the "cote ci cote la"trini dictionary..a new feature is in the cards....but I'm not setting a particular day on this... just whenever i get the time....its gonna be called...you know u said this before you got baptized in pseudo Americanism.....lol...nah I'll just call it " put that in yuh pipe and smoke it"..yeah...thats it... O btw i'm not going to plagiarize the book...in fact, i would advise everyone to go find themselves a copy... i work in a publishing company so i know all the laws and crap, when it comes to this sort of thing, i should list its ISBN and where it's available, but since I'm feeling down and lazy click this link here ....maybe i'll start right now...

The awesome but sad wknd....

The awesome part was Avatar: the last airbender had its 2hr special on Saturday...the sad part is Avatar: the last airbender the series have come to an official end. *cries hysterically* .... as for the rest of the weekend.. mediocre...pretty much sums it up...the usual list of chores and household duties to perform, thinking of it now i feel like it was wasted...didn't even read my overdue library book...think I'll continue it today. I have clashed with many of my IM buddies over the Avatar movie..some disliked it, others loved it and a couple of them are crying hysterically like me. I personally think it was a befitting end to a 2yr journey, almost brought me to tears actually which i am not ashamed to say, seeing the characters grow up and mature...you tend to get attached...yea its a cartoon but a cartoon with a message of hope and struggle...something that the world needs now. I don't want to get into the details of the story, else i would be jumping up and down in work. It was just perfect..for me...and to those who wanted more action...i would agree to some point..but looking back now i think the producers wanted to show, that hate of the fire nation was no longer driving our heroes to battle, it was the bigger picture of saving the world from the Phoenix king, for god's sake Toph cried...and she's the tough one...lol...I'm just sad its now over...*bawls down place* Now the question is will there be another cartoon out there that will grab my attention...only time will tell.

Worried

Have u ever been worried? Do u know the feeling that presents itself when things are unsure...i am right now...i know why...and i know i wont be able to sleep until i know my friend is ok. U see one of my great..not just good...great friend is unwell with chest pains....and I'm scared....i don't want anything to happen ....I'm here feeling helpless...i don't like feeling this way...wish i was there to do something, i guess all i can do is sit here and pray , hope for the best..and of course an update. Worrying doesn't accomplish anything...i just wish it made me feel better but all it does is make me think of all the worst possibilities... guess all i can do is sit and wait....pray of course....i do hope u are ok friend.

I need someone....

The following will be typed in caps to emphasize excitement I'm experiencing ..ahem....*coughs*....

AVATAR THE LAST AIREBENDER IS THE MOST AWESOME SHOW EVER!!!! TONITE WAS THE SERIES CONCLUSION AND I CAN SAFELY SAY THE WRITER'S GOT EVERYTHING CORRECT, I WANT TO CRY RIGHT NOW.... i just realized its over, the one cartoon i follow religiously, its over....BUT I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOW...THE 2HR MOVIE WAS BEST!!! i am one happy camper...but it seems the crew i hang out with, no one knows the cartoon and it simply sucks that such a gem of a show is overlooked....now i have no one to freak out with except my brothers and my cousins....AND WE SO DID, I JUMPED ON THE COUCH, RAN AROUND THE HOUSE, SCREAMED, ATE ICE CREAM, SHOUTED, DUCKED when my mom threw a brush at me and asked why on earth i making so much noise...BUT I WASN'T ALONE IN MY NOISE MAKING...ALL I CAN SAY IS IT DIDN'T JUST ROCK, IT FREAKING ROCKED!!!

Ironic...

Seeing that I'm condemning the demons that killed the horse and i myself have taken the lives of two rats, it is only fair that i also be punished. So i expect that some bad karma is coming my way and I'm ready to accept it for a life whether big or small is still a life and equal in the eyes of god.

Bloody Hell!!!

Going through the daily express, my eyes caught the horrible story of some demons killing a pregnant horse for her meat. What in god's name is possessing people? A sad sad state of affairs we are currently in....a horse was butchered for meat....a pregnant horse whose foal died as a result. Angry doesn't begin to express how i feel, the saddest part of the story was the owners had to bring in the horse's sister to see the body, that way sealing in her mind that her sister in dead, or else she grieve and probably die too. I hope to god that these demons are caught and vanquished, and if they are not Gods wrath upon them all!!!

I'm a killer....

I killed a rat today....again....my confessions....

Sometime during this week i can't remember the exact day, i encountered a rat in my garbage bin at work...besides the usual screaming and running around, then getting a stick to poke at it to see if its alive...which it was and that caused more screaming and running around...i had to get rid of it. After careful consideration ( while my co worker was freaking out, by running in and out of the office, shouting at me to kill it, kill it) i decided to well, kill it...but how was the question...beat it with a ruler, staple it, throw paper clips at it, paper cut it to death? clearly the office had no weapons of mass destruction... then ding ding ding...water.... drown it. Lifting the lid off the bin and praying it doesn't jump at my neck and start gnawing ...i took it outside and filled the bin with water...i have a pretty deep bin...i just left him outside thinking that he will drown after a couple hours i proceeded to check on him, but there was Mr. Rat swimming around, like its a pool and he's on vacation...i needed my bin...i got a pipeline, i had to do the job myself...*gulp*...so using the pipeline to hold the rat under water i tried to drown him but these creatures are o so smart he started to crawl up the pipeline, before i realized what was happening his body disappeared up the line , panic stricken, screaming out no! no! no!, while hitting the line loudly against the bin trying to make it fall back in, cause god knows he was making his was up to my arm for revenge...but the frantic movements made him slip out ....wasn't going to make that mistake again, i used the edge of the line and held him under the water and after 5 mins he was dead ....it was pre meditated .... i took him back inside to scare my co worker a bit and then threw him in the bin. That was murder number 1....

Murder number 2

This morning after settling down at my desk, i was startled by the high pitched yelp of my co worker coming from the washroom...i was like huh wat the hell....then there it was again, that blood curdling scream that she has...so i run over to the women's washroom all hero like, when i got at the door, i was almost run over by her heading in the next direction....hey wats the matter, i said, trying to look as concerned as possible, because at that point i knew its some stupidness she's screaming about. What was the big hoopla about? A rat found its way into the ladies toilet bowl....hahahaha....could u imagine the position she was in before she discovered Mr. Man swimming around there...lol... since i have a reputation of killing stuff, they looked towards me to get rid of it....hmmmm, why me...i tried flushing it, but i think he was saying...hey who turned on the jacuzzi....they only thing left to do was get him out....he wasn't that big, not a full grown one...i got a bag stuck my hand in it, and then did the unthinkable stuck my hand in the toilet grabbed up the rat pulled him into the bag and tied it, all whilst i had 3 women screaming and one running to close her office door..lol... i couldn't leave him alive, i bashed him against the wall and he joined his friend in the dumpster outside....I'm sort of feeling guilty right now, but some candy will shut my conscious up.

Stillness....

The stillness beats within me
Every time you are close
Like a star glowing in the night ever so softly
it lights me up from within

I breathe
Breathing in the scent of you close to me
The silence between us writes a thousand stories
Before my eyes...

The stillness of your lips close to mines
Trembling , unsure
The beauty of the moment dawns on me
Like cold raindrops against my warm skin
It steals my breath and draws me in closer...

Pulling me into you, submerging me slowly
Into the stillness of us.....

Thank you god...

Have you ever felt so frustrated that you wanted to drop to your knees and scream out to the heavens for death....? I felt like that yesterday and well this morning... then the most amazing thing happened, a voice inside my head said god...it literally said the word god...i stopped in mid step to look around to hoping to glimpse someone behind me, but alas no one...just me in the middle of the road, I decided to speak to god..let him know exactly whats on my mind , i wasn't expecting an answer or anything to come from the "insanity" of talking to myself...yes i was talking in my minds voice but it was still to myself....but then my minds voice replied answers to all my questions...comforting answers....i was bitching about my family, and the voice said be thankful for how many out there only dream of a mothers touch or a fathers pat on the shoulder, then i was bitching about my life and the voice just replied you are breathing, healthy, and able to work....then images of ppl flashed though my head, starving ppl, sick ppl, ppl suffering, i stood under the walk over waiting on my ride for work...i talked about not feeling worthy enough to be loved...the voice replied that love is not partitioned out by worth, everyone is deserving of it and entitled to feel it...and at some point in a persons life love is felt... later on people tend to close their hearts to it and so it passes them by, but you have yours open to it, whether or not you think so and now, you are blessed with someone who loves you...don't be scared, be thankful....after that answer i just smiled and gave thanks. The the weight from my body was lifted and i was smiling....i am happy and I'm very thankful... god works in mysterious ways. I know this sounds crazy, even while writing it I'm thinking i just imagined the whole thing, but whether or not i did , it has lifted be back on cloud 9, which is wonderful. Thank you god.

Calling all Telepaths....

Sometimes i truly believe that the people of Trinidad are dumber than rocks...the cost of living has been spiking ever so often, every week food items, taxi fare, medicine, everything is hiked up by a dollar or more yet when the gov't has their rally thousands of their supporters go out in support of them....why the hell? that's the question that keeps spinning through my head like a record...are we blind...Trinidad and Tobago currently has more money flowing through it than ever before yet our living conditions are deploring each and ever day...i could write a book on this, but i wont cause my points are the same as every sane thinking person in this country. I just don't understand why we wont wake the hell up and get the fricking gov't to use the money of the land to serve us , instead of themselves...at the end of the day its the poor people that suffer and the sad thing is, the poor people put this sucky gov't in power and continue to support them...all because they refuse to emancipate their minds from mental slavery , so they can see what is really happening...I think god is slowly turning his back on this country, cause we have turned our backs on him...eventually we will see this come in to play and then wonder as we will always do..why us? I'll tell ya why right now cause we as a people are the most dotish on earth to put up with the crap we are forced to swallow on a daily basis. So I'm calling all telepaths the ones that can control minds, come forward and drive some sense into us please...we will thank you with some doubles and a apple j ( which btw is so freaking expensive now)....

Once upon a time....

There was a boy whose only dream was to touch the stars, everynite he would climb to the rooftop of his room and stare at them, all he could do is stare....for his dream would never come true. The pain was so deep that he would cry...just stare and cry...how can the one thing so vast and pure , that gave him comfort in his time of need...be untouchable....yet among his tears , he couldn't help but crack a smile..for looking up he felt so small that he didn't need to touch them...they were engulfing him, embracing him...guess dreams do come true...it just takes time to realize that there isn't a single path to a dream but many.....

Next Stop....Sanity

To those who think insanity is a state of mind...its not...its a state of life. My life at this point feels like ..well it has a life of its own, I'm no longer in control of it...my movements are robotic and pre planned..each weekday its the same story....like putting together a puzzle over and over..eventually you can do it with your eyes closed. I absolutely hate being this way....I've been like this a couple of times before, and then i consciously decided to do something different each day...it took alot of effort on my part, but i did it, but now its back to square one. I'm beginning to feel depressed once again...it always boils down to me hating myself, and to make matters worse I'm off to Tobago tomorrow and supposed to be happy, but I'm not and i don't know why....i feel like dementors are sucking out my soul. My downs come as quickly as my ups and last as twice as long, maybe four times as long. I haven't seen my gf all week...its not the longest time away from her though, I've spent a little more than 2wks without seeing her, but for some reason not seeing her even for a day...hurts...and although I'm telling myself that her job comes first, and i understand...mentally i understand, but my emotions don't...its like they respond to some foreign language that i don't know....so right now I'm all confuffled...mentally i have everything down, everything is understood...but emotionally I'm raging like a sea...i feel like dropping to my knees and crying, crying till i drown myself....in the darkness that dwells within me..death seems to be the only way out. But as strong as i appear, or try to be...one word can break me in half, and shatter my soul....writing seems to be the only way i can get these emotions out..without hurting myself .....

I'm in shock....

Today is a wonderful day, i say old chap,I'm in a rather peppy mood...lol....i just had for once in my life a good experience with Tstt and Scotia Bank, can i get a round of applause for Kerry of Tstt and Karen from Scotia Bank, these ladies were probably the most helpful CSR's I've come across in a very long time. My query with my Internet banking was solved and Karen called me not once, but twice to follow up, and get my feedback....as for Kerry, i was lucky enough to get on to her, when i called Tstt to enquiry whether or not they got my Internet payments , she was so helpful and even broke down the payments, when they were received, what time and what my current bill looks like and apologised for any inconvenience cause....my jaw dropped open....2 good experiences, i just wish that we could clone these ladies and send them all over TnT, then everyone would be in a good mood, and to top it off its rainy...so yay..

Shinel and Marissa wedding....they did not marry each other..lol

The groom , I forgot his name...Shinel's Husband..lol

Jo and Shin...dont she look happy

My favest pic...me and shin...awww she looks stunning

Kish and i.

Me aka Frodo and Jo

Happy Couple

Shinel and her sis Marissa ..and proud papa

Marissa and her husband ...who name also escapes me....ok ok i went for the drinks...lol

Heart Beats Betrayal.....

I want to scream till i spew blood from my mouth
So loud that i will deafen the world around me
That all the peoples will know that i'm broken
I will climb the tallest building and scream.....

Scream out your betrayal, until my vocal chords collapse
The pain will become non existent
The insanity that grows within my mind
Frightens me....
Like ink in a glass of water, it spreads throughout my soul

Each Pulse i feel cuts deeper into my heart
Screaming the betrayal over...and ..over
My partial heart broken.....

Can you feel the beat?
Feel it beat within me...
The rhythm drives me mad
For i know my heart is there
Beating....Feeling....

Feeling the pain unleashed upon it
Pulsating the pain throughout my veins
Engulfing me
Painful beats of betrayal.....

Writing

Let the words come to me, let them flow
Let them show me where my writing may go..
I thought i lost it, but now its here
The inspiration that chased away all my fear

The words i write come not from my mind
They do not exist in this place or time
It flows through me like water so clear
I breathe it in, expression fills the air
Surround me, fill me ,set me free
This is what writing does for me.....

O wat a day

I thought yesterday was bad, after hitting my head so many times all over the place and getting a harry potter book to the face....i survived..with minor injuries just a small gash on my scalp when i slammed into the door knob at work. Today wants to take the cake...i jusy hit my knee on the desk draw...ouch it hurts...am i clumsy or just unlucky? The stress today is adding up, cause slowly I'm finding myself in a bad mood...first i call up my school to get results and after waiting for what seemed like forever while the lady pulls up my file, my cell runs out of money...so boom no results...the bad thing is i cant even call when i go home since their working hours is 8-4, which btw i think its crap since most if not all of their students are working people....so if i got inquires am i to use my work time to call, this will not bode well with my employer*sighs*...the other thing is stupid tstt is threatening to cut off my phone because i didint pay my bill...ackhhhhhhh....i usually pay via Internet banking...so i go online and see that the money was indeed deducted from my account since last month but to date it has not registered at tstt, so i call the bank and the csr says that the person responsible for those claims left ( that was yesterday) 8-4 workday again...but she was kind enough to take my number , she did call me back and reported that the bank system shows that my money was registered with tstt since last month, something went wrong somewhere....my money can't just disappear.... i went home, called tstt to try and explain the situation , and you guessed it 8-4 work day as well...so basically they are still gonna cut my phone, i don't know what the fuck is going on, i never had a problem with net banking ....lord...i don't understand why these companies don't extend their working hours to try and accommodate working people....it sucks...serioulsy....guess i'll have to use my lunch hour or something, i have a headache thinking about it now....i just want this day to be over so i could go home, sit in my bed with a cup of tea and watch simpsons....ahhhhhhh....relaxation....

MIxed...

Some times i think that i have it all figured out...my whole entire purpose of being and then i wake up....it amazes me when I'm in a state of half sleep that the whole entire world is a nicer place, nothing is wrong ...everything is so peaceful, so safe...then the alarm goes off and all the problems just come rushing back ten speed...I've been neglecting my blog for sometime now, don't know why cause i have so many thoughts i want to put down...guess...its just they are not ready to come out yet, prefers to swirl around in my mind for a while longer, I've been told that I'm too quiet....I've also been told that silence is my strength....i guess it can flow both ways, i wanna look at it as strength, since sometimes it better to listen and then speak..which i always try to do, but it doesn't always happen that way....what the hell am i writing...i write gibberish ....uggh....the thoughts refuse to be put down on paper.... i just think that life is what you make it, how u see life doesn't necessarily depend on your out look but the outlook of the company you keep..since whether or not we want to admit it friends influence friends...so my new rule is to keep positive friends so they can help me win the battle against the darkness that tears at my soul on a daily basis...

Creature Feature ...Kisha

Creature feature was skipped last week due to unforeseen circumstances, but its back today...o yea...now on to the ceremony... name will be ties on to the legs of wild chickens, which will be set free and its up to me to grab on , read the name and then lash it with some curry....*chickens are released* *puts on protective gear* * starts running...faster, faster..*Falls down*steups* get up and runs again* Lunges after chicken...missed it* Drinks some Gatorade* Corners one behind a tree* Chicken gets aggressive, i run in the other direction* Trips over shoelace and lands on another chicken*ha i caught one* Unties name* Yells to organize pot and curry* and the winner is....drum roll....KISHA MOHAMMED!!!!! crowds cheers and screams cause the other chickens have gone mid evil on their asses....*theme from mission impossible plays*....


I've know Kisha for what seems like my whole life, but in reality its only about 5 yrs or so..could be more or less...doesn't matter...feels like i was born knowing this girl...she's like really awesome and has a heart of gold.... we have fun anytime we get together and she get my jokes..even the really lame ones, and if that isn't a real friend then what is? One thing is for sure i was blessed to have crossed paths with her and i hope that god continues to bless me so that we may remain friends forever and ever...i sounding obsessed now..lol.. but kish knows i love her....this here people is a one of a kind never ever gonna be duplicate person and I'm honored to call her friend...

Breaking free

I walk invisible to those around me
Silently i thread on the ground
Cautiously looking around..to you i am not there
Screams from a past life haunt me
Echoing through my bones, dark clouds cover me
Struggle.....
I fight no longer bounded by pain
I break free...
Chains of darkness no longer had a hold on me.....

A ray of pure light shines through....
Warm against my face.....
Hope for life.....
Breathe....acceptance.....
Light flows through my veins, throughout my being
My body floats upwards...so light
Smiling i am free at last....

Performer

No one knows what pain these eyes hide
Like a performer they play a role
Each and every single day, they show the world
That I'm ok
But behind closed doors, where no one can see
My soul is exposed....tattered and torn
Endlessly restless
My heart knows no love, no joy
I can't feel it
Empty...hollow.....
Sadness.....
I walk alone....a lonely performer...

Past time

Lost at sea, i cry for help
Inside i die slowly but surely
I fade away into the background
No one misses me
I'm nothing a nobody
Noticed by no one
Sorrow haunts me, sorrow of a past life
Of a past time .....

Reality illusion....

I weep for myself and my broken heart
I weep for you and your misguided lust
I love you.....words i never say
But i said it to u and i still mean it....
In every way...

But hearing the words that came from his lips
Slashed me across my stitched up heart
Bleeding my soul out, ounce by ounce
I am betrayed, I am hurt
But i promise you that this will work
I'll hold the hurt within in me, I'll keep it still
Drown it in the promises in your eyes
Fill me up until, i myself is slowly killed....

I want to bring you across this ocean
The ocean of sadness on which u float
Swim with you, bring you near
Show you that i really do still care....

Family...

I feel so guilty, so much guilt..its killing me inside...a former friend of mines had a conversation with a current friend of mine..lol..it sounds like a soap opera... she said that i have a screwed up family, that will amount to nothing and will always struggle to get along...a dead end family....i was hurt that she would say that, for some reason it hurt more than all the crappy things she said about me. I wondered where on earth she got that idea from...and then it dawned ....it was from me....I'm an awful individual....horrible more like it....i portray my family as if we are constantly at each others throat, as if we don't have anything good to say to each other, like we are living in constant hate of each other....and its not like that...i just talk about the things that frustrate me when it comes to them, but my family , my sister included...are wonderful people, loving, caring, helpful and i feel dumb....i feel so dumb....i may not get along with them from time to time, but who doesn't encounter problems with family? I'm just so sorry, i don't know what else to say, I'm sorry...i think I'll start to write both the positives and the negatives, so no one else will get the impression that my family consists of a bunch of orc's ready to kill at any given moment.

How can i hide.....

Have you ever felt like your head is about to explode and don't know why....i feel like that...it sucks..i think i know why, cause i have been ignoring the things that bother me instead of dealing with them , now my soul is filled and its starting to show on my face and in my eyes...so whats bothering me....my life is...what about my life? the fact that i don't have any direction...i have no clue as to what i wanna do ....i envy those ppl who found their passion in life, or should i say who found a career that they can settle into...i don't even have the faintest idea what the hell i wanna do, i like a jumble of things and but I'm no good in any of those things ...i don't even have talent....auggh it sucks, why couldn't i say :hey i wanna become a doctor, lawyer, accountant, or some other friggin profession and just work towards that, but no...I'm the sort of person that is blind towards the future and now i wanna kick myself, while all my friends are becoming professionals in their career of choice I'm still here spinning top in mud...it sucks to be me, i know , i know....whenever i think hey i have it all worked out something happens and boom like magic, pretty crappy magic..I'm back to square one , feeling out my life in the darkness and to make matters worse i have encountered and still encountering people who just don't want to see me succeed for some reason or the other ( which is beyond my comprehension) so in addition to battling myself, i also have to draw swords with them, so its a never ending battle... One thing that is certain though, i don't want to leave this earth without having left my mark upon it...so what to do.....i have no idea...i am as lost as ever....