I try not to complain...

I am cold today, inside and out...I'm getting fed up and tired of this crap. The up's and down's is really starting to affect me. First I'm happy, then I'm sad, then depressed,then I'm angry, then i feel neglected, then i feel guilty for acting like a spoiled brat, the cycle repeats its self over and over...an endless record playing in my head, playing out in my life...i grow tired of this.I'm here typing and all i can think of is the endless suffering of people in the world, i have it so good compared to them. Now what? I can't stop myself from feeling down, i can only try to remember all the good things, how does that song go...raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, hairstyle and poses and Hollywood vixens...? Something so...but the point is ..how am i to be in the zone, the zen zone when constantly life is trying me....every time I'm up, hands reach to pull me down....every time I'm down....luckily i realized that i have friends that reach out to bring me up. Yesterday night i was depressed, i did some stuff of which i am not proud of so it will not be placed here, but when i thought i was doing something right, it turned out to be something so utterly wrong...yea i was down and out, but instead of just wallowing in self pity, i called a friend....i talked , laughed, felt better...the power of friendship.... then i called Kristen cause i wasn't able to sleep and that was the best decision of the night....after the conversation which lasted till about 12.15am, i still wasn't able to sleep , i sat on my bed and just talked to god....i sank into dream land around 2am this morning...now here in work I'm struggling to stay awake.

I'm not an expressive person in reality, my only means to drain my emotions is through writing, and my so called poems....i made an attempt yesterday to tell a friend how i felt and all it did was cause misunderstanding. I'm trying to be a different person to let people in, its so much easier said than done, I'm constantly thinking that my problems will bring people down if i share them, therefore i keep it bottle up inside..I'm learning ...trying to be a better person...takes alot of work....