Next Stop....Sanity

To those who think insanity is a state of mind...its not...its a state of life. My life at this point feels like ..well it has a life of its own, I'm no longer in control of it...my movements are robotic and pre planned..each weekday its the same story....like putting together a puzzle over and over..eventually you can do it with your eyes closed. I absolutely hate being this way....I've been like this a couple of times before, and then i consciously decided to do something different each day...it took alot of effort on my part, but i did it, but now its back to square one. I'm beginning to feel depressed once again...it always boils down to me hating myself, and to make matters worse I'm off to Tobago tomorrow and supposed to be happy, but I'm not and i don't know why....i feel like dementors are sucking out my soul. My downs come as quickly as my ups and last as twice as long, maybe four times as long. I haven't seen my gf all week...its not the longest time away from her though, I've spent a little more than 2wks without seeing her, but for some reason not seeing her even for a day...hurts...and although I'm telling myself that her job comes first, and i understand...mentally i understand, but my emotions don't...its like they respond to some foreign language that i don't know....so right now I'm all confuffled...mentally i have everything down, everything is understood...but emotionally I'm raging like a sea...i feel like dropping to my knees and crying, crying till i drown myself....in the darkness that dwells within me..death seems to be the only way out. But as strong as i appear, or try to be...one word can break me in half, and shatter my soul....writing seems to be the only way i can get these emotions out..without hurting myself .....