The rain falls here, alot and i love it.... makes me wanna cuddle up in bed with a special someone and just listen. The rain speaks to me,it speaks all you have to do is listen...it tells wonderful stories and if u have an imagination like mines there is nothing in my vocabulary like a boring rainy day, all it takes is some listening. Unfortunately I'm in work and the only sounds i hear right now is the sound of my co workers belting out instructions...*sighs* what i wouldn't give to be home at this very moment....I have alot on my mind today...but not enough time to write about it ....i need to get some stuff out...purge it from my system...it seems that i always have thoughts swirling around up there..its never settled..like a storm out in the ocean always churning...always unsettled...
Woohoooo
The shake shake shake it weekend...
I'm not referring to the slight earth quake that we experienced which btw i didn't feel even though i was wide awake at that time. My weekend was packed, i had lots of fun.... Friday I went to my very first play *gasp* my gf took me, i must admit i was very hesitant at first thinking that uggh this thing is going to blow, i only agreed to go because my other half was extremely excited and couldn't contain herself at the thought of seeing a musical on stage ( she loves musicals, but strangely not Indian pictures...hmmm) and i love to see her happy. I did a 360 as soon as the curtain drew and the first act was in progress...i was amazed, and greatly surprised at the cast, the production, the acting, the songs and of course glimpsing over at my gf and seeing the look on her face would have made the show worth it even if it sucked,but it didn't suck it rocked...and i think I'm falling in love with musicals too. The play was the sound of music, held at Queens Hall..the only drawback was no eating..so i had to chew gum and swallow spit for like 4hrs...even though i was hungry as hell...but that aside i loved it, there were moments that i forgot actual people were singing and dancing in front of me, I thought it was a movie. We sat in the second row so we had a pretty awesome view, i so wouldn't mind getting dragged to another...lol. Saturday i had my final exams in P.C diagnostics, repairs and upgrades....ummm i could have studied alot more than i actually did but procrastination and i go well together therefore my studying always equals to 2 or3 days of cramming, i don't know if i passed or not and honestly i can't tell , Wednesday i will get results...i so hope i passed...next time i promise i will study ( i always say that but it ends up in the same cycle) Sunday i had a wedding to go to, my friend Shinel who i hadn't seen in like 5 yrs or more got married and was so happy to see me, it was great...I did take pics so I'll post them up....i promise it wont end up like the St. Lucia set...arrgh...I should really post them up...but procrastination again....
Kill me rain....
I bow my head and build my walls
Waiting for the bricks to be placed
Higher and Higher
Entrapping me, there in the place i stand
Close around me
Made out of ice and hate
Out of my insecurities, my lack of faith
i sit there waiting silently
Looking up at the sky hoping
Hoping for my one sweet reprise
The rain
It comes soon, i hear the wind whisper
So i wait
And then the drops
Tiny drops that will ease my burden
They pour over me, filling up the room i built
Higher and higher the water rise
Pouring over me
Soon very soon i will be free
and the water rises over me
Over my head
and i feel peace
finally...
Special Guest post...a poem by my great buddy YIPS...
I am dieing cannot breathe
So sick of being in the state of alive
Thinking of moving to a state of not being
Why can’t I just leave?
The constraints just tighten
And they ask are you ok
Are you still there?
But my blank face tells nothing of the pain inside
I am going through the motions
Cannot breathe
Why are you doing this?
I know I am not what you want me to be
I will never be
Let me live
My spirit slips away
I am reaching the edge
Please someone pull be back
There is no one there
You speak to me
And your words hit me like daggers
I feel every blow
Can’t you see it is all your fault?
You are slowly killing me
I am now a shell of myself
Going through the motions
Completely numb
If you cut me I don’t bleed
There is nothing left but pain
Why won’t you leave me alone?
It is amassing
I am in a crowded room
And I’m so alone
They all laugh they’re happy
And I am screaming inside
But no one hears
Only if they look into my eyes
They would see
The end is near
My life is slipping through my fingers
As the blade falls to the ground
There is so much blood
The pain finally leaves my body
I finally feel relief
I AM FREE!!!!!!
Easy steps to....
How do you go from having just another bad day to having just another worse day...easy...first you start up by going to work dead tired cause the day before you worked your ass off doing lots of labor not meant for someone of your diminutive size , then you stay up till 2am trying to study, get up at 5am and get ready for work. When you get to work, make sure and seem to piss off people for no apparent reason so they can shout at you, and then tell you they are joking once that is accomplished begin your hard day's work, that the boss calls "pitching in" when you very well know he is taking advantage of your generous helpful nature, then he will call a meeting to announce his retirement, and introduce his successor ....the surprise...his daughter who seems to have a major I'm better than everyone attitude... you smile and nod and welcome her....but behind your smile you are screaming for god to poke out your eyes...meeting ends...back to slave duty, you must hurt your wrist while moving the god forsaken boxes....so after lunch, you need to beg to get your bank time to go to the "bank" by bank you mean to go for a haircut, and try to get a jacket for your friends weeding which is on Sunday...on your way to Chaguanas the maxi that you took seems to be stopping every 2mins to drop or pick up someone, therefore it takes you 3 times as long to reach your destination, when you get there your hair cut person isn't available, so you hunt for a jacket only to realize that none of the 50 stores you walk into has blazers...so you say to yourself hey I'm here might as well get some deodorant in Pennywise only to bounce up a closed sign...smiling while holding back tears cause the sun is so friggin hott and you have been walking for at least an hour in it, you head back, while uttering a prayer that the hair cutter person is there, thankfully she is so you get a cut only to realize for some reason its screwed up, you pay and realize that its your last 25.00 in your wallet so now you have no money to go home ...problem?...no of course not there is an ATM right there, but its out of service, so sweaty panic crosses your face and you pray frantically while searching your bag and you manage to find 5.00 enough to get you home..you hop in a maxi to be seated on the pull out seat which the conductor usually occupies...yay to urself...you have just moved from Bad Day to Worse Day...congrats
Liar, Liar
Weren't you the one who said to me
Give me your hand and we will be
Drop your armor to the ground
And don't be afraid to fall
Liar, Liar...
Light me up and you will sing
Promised to give me anything
The stars from the sky
Water from the ground
Anything that was around
Liar, Liar...
Slash my heart, you never would
Do it to yourself, before you ever could...
Keep me safe in your arms
Chase away all life harms
Liar, Liar...
You whisper to me my heart is yours
And you will forsake all the other boys
Never would your love stray
Cause here is where you want to be everyday
Liar, Liar....
Creature Feature ....for reals...Ralph
I found this guy at my office in Caroni, it was outside, i was taking a breath of fresh air, spotted it .. ran for my life, but when i realized he wasn't moving ...i went back, poked him with a stick, then picked it up and stuck it in my pocket...lol...it scared the hell out of my co worker, had her screaming and crying....i so didn't know she had a phobia..lol. I named him Ralph, he's a giant water beetle ...i like bugs...its on my bedside table right now , hopefully it will scare whoever bounces him up. I just wanted to share him with you guys, and Kristen...picking up dead bugs and sticking them in your pocket is not gross its kool, ok....lol..
Don't wake me up....
Today the weather was perfect and i was at ease, this afternoon i was dumbfounded for a couple mins, ok for a couple hours, I'm actually still in shock, the most amazing person ever is taking me Tobago to destress...next month will be my 3rd ever plane flight (even if its for like 25mins) I'm super excited. I know i have been lame with the St. Lucia pics only because i had alot of crap going on in my life, I'll try my utter best to post them up this weekend, its alot so i may have to give a link to a third party website of something.... anyways i have to go study now i just had to say that I'm touched that someone would think of me so much to take me to Tobago....I'm still dumbfounded....
Its Raining
Ahhhhhhhhhh its raining and looks to be so all day....*dances around* I'm like so happy...now how the hell am i getting to work dry, and why do i even have to work...what i wouldn't give to lay in my bed and sleep...but none the less its freaking pouring wooohoooo!!!!!
Drip Drop....
10.04, i was supposed to be asleep since 8.30, but here i am once again unable to force my body into submission, instead the urge to write has taken over and i can't help but give in for if i don't get it all out, I'll be tossing and turning all night. I stood in the rain today...for what could have been an eternity standing there feeling the cold drops against my skin, cooling my fire ravished soul...i looked up at the heavens into the distant gray above me and wanted to scream, wishing that i could scream and just fly up there, into the clouds to be lost forever. But I'm earth bound so i just imagined being one with the rain, the sweet rain, the sky that cries my tears when i cannot. The feeling that came over me was unexplainable, i felt sadness, happiness, anger, hope, pain, freedom...everything just gushed over me like the water that was trickling over my skin....i then sat on the bare ground, i wanted to lie there and look up at the sky, but i just sat...head bowed like i was praying feeling the drops hitting harder...it was getting colder and the sky was darker..i felt like it was my fault, that i was to be blamed for all that happened, for all the good, all the bad, all the uncertainty in my life. My family, work, school, the thoughts just crowded in my head as if they were seeking shelter from the cold, then the thoughts was broken by a flash of lighting and the loud boom of thunder...my head was clear,the sound chased them away, and then i realized that the rain has a way of washing away my doubts, of rinsing my soul, i stood up and relished the feeling once again, the smell, the cold, the wet, the wind...i was happy just being able to experience it, i leaned up on the wall, so casual in the pouring rain...as if the rain wasn't even there...thats when my mom saw me and was like have i lost my mind, then my little bro spotted me and ran into the rain also, not cause it was the rain but because i was there, it was ok to be in the rain cause i was there....we played waterbenders....i had fun....my mind is settled now...time to rest.
Bandit....
The weekend bought this guy into my life, well not mines but Dave's first and then mines. Dave found him in his yard like 2am on Sunday morning, after a night of partying and god knows what else he came across this little fella and didn't have the heart to just chase him away, in fact the dog slept on him, cause it was only crying...aww, the next day he was in a panic as to what to do with the dog cause his parents wanted him to get rid of it and he couldn't keep it cause his dog would have eaten it...he has a big breed dog ...so there is where i fit in, he called me told me of the situation and i started asking everyone i know if they wanted a dog, luckily my brother's friend wanted a dog, so Dave dropped it over by me and i named it Bandit cause of the coloring around his eyes...i fell in love with this dog, he was obedient, cute, and looked so happy to have someone to play with him, he took an instant liking to everyone, especially me cause he kept following me around everywhere at my heels after a couple hours i wanted to keep him so bad, he even responded to his name. But alas i couldn't cause he was promised to someone else, someone who will give him a good home. Bandit played in my room all day , barking, running about, looking at the mirror and growling, then he fell asleep on the mat, i just looked at him and wondered what kind of life he lead before, it didn't look like a happy one, he was so hungry and thirsty god alone knows how long he was wondering about...so small and have to fend for himself. He kept me company all day sitting quietly looking at me while i washed, read and exercised....i was amazed to how well he responded to calls how quickly he would run towards me ...i was very sad when he left, seeing as i didn't get to say goodbye as i was out when his new parents came to pick him up. Fate has a way, Bandit went from a roaming dog to a dog in a loving home right about now..so to Bandit cheers you showed me how to appreciate the small things in life, especially a cute puppy like yourself.
Creature Feature.....Nikeda
After a brief hiatus Creature Feature is back, and better than ever ( nuh really same thing ..lol) now on to the ceremony, yes on to the ceremony...today the names will be placed in individual glass orbs and sunk into a swimming pool, where i will act as aquaman and retrieve one... *throws orbs into pool* * unwraps towel* * audience screams out of sheer fear* *dives into pool* mmmm i shouldn't have made it clear glass now i cant see any of the orbs...just have to feel for one....ahhhh *grabs orb* *heads back up to surface* *cough sputter cough* towel please....smashes orb on ground*and the winner is, wait where the hell is my trunks.....NIKEDA ROGERS!!!...*audiences screams and runs off* theme from Xena plays in background*.....
Tonite...
Its 10.29 on my P.C , i should be sleeping already, i had a hectic day but here i am unable to rest, i just feel the need to write, so write i must...the thing is i don't know what i should write...its just like something in me wants to come out and i don't know what, my throat has a lump in it right now, u know the ones that form when u feel like crying but won't so the emotions just gets stuck there like throw up that didn't want to get thrown up...Something is utterly wrong with the world, everything is utterly wrong with it...everyone is so caught up in materialistic things that the spiritual side of the human race is all but dead, no one cares....not about other people, not about animals, not about nature, not about the world...its a dark and corrupted place out there and it scares the hell out of me, especially when i try to treat my fellow humans as well humans and it hurts when the favor isn't returned, makes me want to turn icy and uncaring, but the little voice in my head keeps telling me what will that accomplish in the long run? I would have become that one thing that i utterly hated so to keep myself different, away from the crowd i try to be kind, understanding and caring...i feel like a shallow freak...to be different i am good cause the world is bad, if it was the opposite way would i be the hated one, or would i still choose to walk on the path of light? i am a quiet unsure fella, I've always been unsure all my life, i can't make decisions cause I'm always thinking if people will agree or not, if it will make them happy...the ironic twist is this is how i see myself but other people always look to me for leadership, i remember in school for 3 years str8 i was voted best leadership skills, i was like huh allyuh sure is me...lol..i second guess myself all the time...but one thing i'm so sure of is giving my gf a second chance, i didn't even think twice about it, all i had to do was look into her eyes and i was more sure than anything else in my life. I know i haven't written about the situ between us and honestly i have been avoiding it, cause to write i will have to remember and i don't want to , its very painful, i just want to forget and start fresh with her....i have so many thoughts spinning in my head i don't think I'll make sense if i write it all down....so for now i rest, sleep and dream.....and forget....
Rain drops
I woke up this morning and looked outside, i was angry..the only day i had off in a long time and the rain was above ready to come down, i had so many errands to run, especially getting my learners permit but all of it to waste , because of the rain...but then i realized that it was meant to be so ...that i needed this time alone, with the one thing that will always make me happy... the rain...so i sit here in my room, the lights are off, the rain is sounding on my rooftop, and i feel at peace with my life, nothing else seems to matter, just me and the rain...the feeling is overwhelming, my cheeks are wet and i don't know why for i feel no pain within me...i guess its my body just releasing what I'm holding in...i am at ease but i know the process won't feel right until i go stand in the rain, and just let it wash over me, sort of freeing in my mind...I'm a weird person...
I am touched...
THANK YOU Angie you really made my day alot brighter.*sniffs* I can't believe that you would do that, it really makes a fella feel appreciated , you even got my spiky hair. I've been so down lately, i have never been this low for this long, but I'll get into that later, this post is to say thank you to all my blogging friends, its weird how you can find comfort in total strangers, while my closest friends and my family are oblivious ...my family is always oblivious..lol..i wanted to do something special in return, but i suck at drawing, so I'll write a poem which i also suck at but it doesn't require me to color coordinate ...lol.. so for you Angie, the hand that reached and pulled me up from on the floor.
Rising
People who don't know you will just discriminate
But to rise above you must
and to do that, god you must trust
For he made a world filled with light
and for those who know of it , we must fight
The haters, the liars and the game
the ones who will hurt you unashamed
Friends and family will see you through
rest assured that your blogging friends are here for you...
Father's day
My dad and i have never been close, i hardly talk to either of my parents..i never had that kind of relationship with them...unlike my other siblings who seem to carry on conversations with my parents especially my sisters and recently my brother. I feel left out most of the times, being out of the loop sometimes i would wake to an empty house only to find out that everyone gone beach or by granny or something..they rarely ask me to go anywhere, not that I'll go but its great to be asked. Father's day ...hmmm..for me its just about getting dad something thats it, i bought him a t-shirt, he asked for money to buy beer...go figure..i didn't give it to him...he cussed...i walked back to my room...my sister came, i was going in the kitchen for some water, and there she was making chow, like she never left and everything was hunky dory ..my mom quickly turned at me, and gave me "the look" i silently opened the fridge, poured some water and walked out, i never even looked at her. I went to my room and began getting ready to go to the mall..my excuse to get dad something, mom didn't say anything she looked relived that i was leaving, i didn't care...i knew i just didn't want to be there. My life is screwed up, but I'm trying to keep my head above water, everything that i pass through will only make me stronger...right?
Loves bites and bleeds
I'm still in shock, has it really set in or am i just ignoring it...i don't know, my mind is spinning out of control..i wanna scream till my lungs burst , i want to hate her...i can't ...i love her...i can't even bring myself to say something bad about her...I'm a weakling? the hurt is there is beats in my broken heart, i feel it every time i move...but i love her, what the hell is the matter with me? Is there anything wrong with me? I forgive her, when i found out...i looked into her eyes..the pain i saw...i forgave her, she's truly sorry..I'm giving her a second chance, I'm giving us a second chance...i believe in second chances...it hurts though, it'll take me awhile till i fully trust her again.You may call me a fool, or stupid, I'll take whatever anyone dishes out, people make mistakes, I've made a couple in my lifetime. I wanna hold her, comfort her, protect her from the world...you would think that she wasn't the one who betrayed me...am i reacting like a normal human being? i don't care, my reaction is me...I'm willing to take a chance on love...real love, but it hurts i won't lie...
Calling out...
Life it comes at you fast, spins you around, slows down the blood in your veins and squeezes your heart and punishes your soul....I've always wondered when i would grow up, when my attitude would change...what mind boggling situation would happen to cause me to step forward as a confident individual who would hold the reins and shout "heyay" , it happened today ...i don't want to go into details of the situation, cause reliving it is too painful...but i need to get it out of my system...to purge the insanity from my mind..but where do i start to write, where does the story begin, where does the hurt start and where does it end...where does the forgiveness step in. The situ came up and i fucking shocked myself, any other person would freak the hell out but there i was the three of us sitting and talking and instead of me crying, screaming, freaking out...i had the most calm demeanor, getting things into perspective...breathing ...he said he was with her for 6 wks ...i didn't know anything...we have been together for 5 mnths....she said it was a mistake...i say we are only human...the words escaped my mouth and i realized that at this moment i was no longer a child, i was a man... i wasn't hysterical, i didn't want to beat the other guy up, i wasn't angry...i was numb but yet i was more verbal than anything, always in the same cool, calm tone that sounded as if someone else was there speaking to all three of us, then wen he left and it was just the two of us, it hit ...shock waves after shock waves...i was hurt, betrayed, i wanted to scream so loud, my heart was broken...i cried...i composed myself... i looked into her eyes...she was just as hurt as i was ...
Fallen
Pain crashes against my heart
Constantly like waves on a ocean never ending
Pounding against it like a drum, so loud
So deafening
I can't feel anymore, I'm lost in an eternal darkness
Forsaken by others, given up on...even by myself
No where to run, no where to hide these thoughts that cross my mind
Silently i smile to cover the pain of a bleeding heart
A heart that yearns to feel love, to be loved...
I fall into a whirlpool of screams and anguish, grasping at nothing
Nothing to hold on to..nothing
So full of an endless nothing
Suffocating, stifling in this cold darkness
Covered lost forever
Lost....gone..forever
Not missed...nor loved...
Gone....
Disappeared into an endless darkness
No sound...no air
Just velvet darkness....
Defeated
I stopped my heart, it causes pain
But i yearn to feel again
My soul is dark, my mind blank
My breath cold as ice
I dwell in the past
It haunts me, like a ghost of a forgotten memory
It stalks me in the day
and tortures me at night
I only feel pain
I fall to my knees, on the cold earth
Defeated
Unknown to the outside world
I want to fade away, disappear into the night
Like a dream lost in time...
The cheese stands alone
I've come to the conclusion that i cannot depend on my family for anything, for some reason this didn't come as a surprise, i mean I've always known in my mind if i need to get something done, do it yourself and not ask anyone for help..if I'm getting help of course I'll take it but i don't put help in my plans to achieve my goals. But now i have to totally write off my family, from my "yeah i can turn to them" list... but say what, i was born alone...its weird i feel like crying about this, people would say that the one thing you can depend on in this world is god and your family, i beg to differ, seems that my family is all tied up in their own separate issues of which i wants nothing to do. My sister the one who ran away, blames me for her actions...can you believe that...blames me....she told my mom that the reason she ran away the second time is because of my behavior, my confrontational behavior, i do admit i did "brace" her person and her but is that really the reason she high tailed it out of our house once again? How could she place blame solely on me? I feel crappy, especially since my mother called me aside this afternoon and told me that my sister will be visiting on Sunday (father's day) and i am instructed to have nothing to say to her ...I'm making it my business to be out of the house. I'm hurt that everyone is taking her side and obviously forgetting the facts of what she did and how hurt everyone was, but as usual I'm the scape goat it happened so many times before you would think that i would be accustomed to it already but it still stings...o well ....
Buss
Its been awhile since i used that word "buss' , i buss right now..work has been nothing short of crazy, we are currently moving our warehouse and offices so there is alot of packing, lifting, bundling and shouts of "rest it dey". Whats more "awesome" is that we are short of staff, so therefore I'm lifting chairs, tables, shelves, riding the forklift, jacking up pallets and everything in between ...Clearly i'm buss...lol.. and tomorrow i have to go paint my office...i have to paint my office..is my boss pushing his luck or what?..but honestly i did say that I'm willing to help in anyway i can to make the transition a smooth one..did i just stick a big "take advantage of me" sticker on my forehead? I hope not, the last time i worked this hard was at my first job...its not that I'm lazy, just I'm not strong so manual labor isn't my thing...but i do enjoy being mobile all day- great way to sneak in some exercise . Dead tired right now, and now i have to clean my room..well finish clean it i started last night..i should get started else I'll fall asleep here, then I'll be screwed for sure.
Gravity...
For months i haven't touched the ground, haven't tread upon the soil of the earth...I've been walking on air, floating around in bliss...but as i look down i see dark shadows reaching up towards me , trying to claw at my ankles , trying to pull me down...fueled by jealously and hate, envious of my ability to float above the turmoil of my life...they grasp, they shout, they scream ...trying to get my attention. I find it difficult to understand why humans hate to see other humans happy. It boggles me. You may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about , to be honest i don't want to remember it less write about it...yet here i am...guess its on my mind. The main thing is I've noticed when you are labeled as involved , the world views you as more desirable , so people start falling out of the woodwork trying to woo you away from the person you are with...the weak fall to the tricks, the strong of mind and of heart will not falter but grow closer. Guess which one i am? I try to be strong to fend off the assaults to my mind...but being human there is only so much i can fight off by myself, but luckily for me i have someone i can go to, to breathe, someone i can say hey this is the case, and that someone would say hey DSI, we good...a way with words eh...can't ask for anything else...i consider myself a warrior, so i'll continue to float, blissfully above the darkness and anytime i find myself falling, i will fight it, and if that doesn't work all i have to do is reach out my hand and that someone will pull me up, back up there...floating.
Heart Betrayal
Beat Heart Beat
Make me crawl on my knees, hear me beg, hear me plead
And yet you beat making me feel
Feeling the pain of love and life
Feeling the joy of sorrow and strife
Beat Heart Beat
Take my mind on a journey, carry it away
Take it to a place where i long to stay
Make me happy, make me smile
Then stop beating for a while
Beat heart Beat
Just for a minute more
Just until i reach the open door
Wake heart wake
Don't leave me here
Here where i can't see
Here where the darkness grows within me
Silent Drowning
The wind whispers, silently singing to me
I walk through, brave
The darkness stands still around me
I breathe, cold air filling my lungs
Refreshing, stifling
I hunger for more, this feeling of life
I stand, I listen
My eyes closed, i wait for the
Wind to sing to me
To show me songs of a million lives
To etch in my soul the words of a thousand tongues
Slowly i sink into the darkness
The cold musical darkness of my life
Creature Feature...Joel
Creature Feature will now be on every Monday, from now till i run out of friends..lol.. may last a month or 2. So on to the ceremony this time i will be placing the names in a wind booth * places names in booth, begins flying all over* stepping in * face gets plastered with paper* *ow my eye* *jumping up and down trying to get a slip of paper* *got one finally* and the name is ....* techno beat playing in background* * pause to bob head a bit* ....its.....JOEL MITCHELL....*loud applause* * theme from batman plays*.....
I've known this guy since form 4, that would make it ten years... i sat behind him in class and watched in horror as Shinel beat him up with a ruler...on a daily basis, but Jo took it like a man, yes occasionally he would pull her hair but who wouldn't. Luckily we became friends, and ever since he's been there for me, with advice, with the latest scoops on the best gadgets...anything really , you call up this guy and if its within his ability he'll make it happen...can anyone ask for a more awesome friend? Just wanna say this is one hell of a guy, his ability to think under pressure is astounding like dam fools days i told him i got my gf pregnant and i was like freaking out and the boy was so calm...he got shafted ...that was my prank..lol but just goes to prove he got nerves of steel. Joel rocks and i want to let the whole world wide web know that, he's got my back and bro i got yours.
My eye opening weekend...
Details of my weekend will remain obscure cause to me it is...i wasn't drunk...i just choose to forget some details of it...i realized that i am viewed as anti social, which isn't a total stretch of the truth, i am not what one would call a social person, I'm a loner by nature so interacting with other humans doesn't happen regularly and when it does i am very awkward..picture a hippo trying to jump a wall, thats me trying to make conversation. The weird thing is I'm in sales and distribution, and this means that i interact with customers , suppliers, and staff on a daily basis , incredibly I'm know as a very articulate person...i think i have a split personality...anyway back to the point... i think i need to take every opportunity presented to me to improve my people skills, i know i disappointed a really important person in my life, with my behavior...i disappointed myself also. But what is done is done, i can only learn from it, take the lesson and apply it when the situation arises again. This past weekend was more than just movies, and playing games or ice cream it was finding myself, and knowing that i can trust, that i am cared for and the feelings that emerged from that is an incredible one, one that has me smiling from the inside out...the darkness has been driven back...for now.
School House rocks!!!
OK all of a sudden i was sitting here and this song popped into my head now i can't stop singing it ...lol...here are the lyrics , maybe i can bring in a couple of u into the loopy tune and words, it'll stick in your head for god knows how long, but remember u must sing it aloud, preferably with a zany friend or co worker which ever one is at hand. With out further a due ... sing ppl sing
Got home from camping last spring.
Saw people, places and things.
We barely had arrived,
Friends asked us to describe
The people, places and every last thing.
So we unpacked our adjectives.
I unpacked "frustrating" first.
Reached in and found the word "worst".
Then I picked "soggy" and
Next I picked "foggy" and
Then I was ready to tell them my tale.
'Cause I'd unpacked my adjectives.
Adjectives are words you use to really describe things,
Handy words to carry around.
Days are sunny or they're rainy
Boys are dumb or else they're brainy
Adjectives can show you which way.
Adjectives are often used to help us compare things,
To say how thin, how fat, how short, how tall.
Girls who are tall can get taller,
Boys who are small can get smaller,
Till one is the tallest
And the other's the smallest of all.
We hiked along without care.
Then we ran into a bear.
He was a hairy bear,
He was a scary bear,
We beat a hasty retreat from his lair.
And described him with adjectives.
[Turtle, spoken:] Whoah! Boy! That was one big, ugly bear!
[Girl, spoken:] You can even make adjectives out of the other parts of speech, like verbs or nouns. All you have to do is tack on an ending like "-ic" or "-ish" or "-ary". For example, this boy can grow up to be a huge man – but still have a boyish face. "Boy" is a noun, but the ending "-ish" makes it an adjective - boyish. That describes the huge man's face, get it?
[Sung:] Next time you go on a trip,
Remember this little tip:
The minute you get back,
They'll ask you this and that,
You can describe people, places and things...
Simply unpack your adjectives.
You can do it with adjectives.
Tell them 'bout it with adjectives.
You can shout it with adjectives.
Before i go on....
We as a people have become desensitized to the horrid crimes occurring in our once beloved Trinidad and Tobago...yea you all know what I'm referring to , I'm sick of us being so complacent..taking the bullshit that spews out of our elected ministers mouth , and thinking to ourselves one day it will get better, but honestly it will not get better, it will get worse and until it directly affects you, you will never care about who gets shot, who gets robbed and who gets raped. Unfortunately this is the mentality of our people...i could go on and on, blabbering about how incompetent this gov't is, how they are only lining their pockets and ignoring the needs of the people and security of the country, but i wont ...I'm just asking that everyone do their little part to protect yourselves, and your neighbors this includes reporting suspicious activity to the police ( i personally do not trust the majority of them, but who knows u may run into a good one) being alert so as not to become a victim of crime, and finding out about ways you can legally protect yourself, i do not endorse getting a gun..like fighting fire with fire, but a cricket bat can be used as a good weapon....but you get the drift.. please be as safe and as alert as possible, we are after all our brothers keeper
Drops on my rooftop
Its 2.06am , the rain is falling on my rooftop, the night is wonderful...the sky lights up before every crack of thunder...am i dreaming? This is what i have been yearning for, days on end i would dream of nights like these...simply perfect....i realized something, just now ...no matter how much my friends think they know me, they actually don't...no one knows me. But today i felt like i could finally open myself up to someone, like finally show the real me and not be afraid of being judged. I fell cared for, for once in my life I'm happy, I'm giving into happiness...part of me doesn't want to and then part of me is saying one life to live man. Every time i give into the feeling of happiness, something horrible happens that just slashes it to pieces..so what do i do? Live in the past or take a chance on the future?
Creature Feature...lol
I'm not having a good day...its like the world is against me but what did i decide to do rather than bitch about it, think about my friends although i was looking through my phone list and only found 2 people there that i actually wanted to call..but thats a different post. For the longest while I've been promising them that I'll show my appreciation on my blog. That promise was made a couple months now, I'm finally getting around to it and guess whats the name of this new post heading...yup ... "Creature Feature"..lol.. no offense to any of u all, its just, u know, all Sesame Street like.... So the first person is * drum roll....* * reaching into cap to pull out name* * pauses for dramatic effect* ....KRISTEN LEE...* crowds applauses and hums theme song from x-men*...
I'm a weakling
Yeah yeah yea...i activated my Facebook account once again...how long did i last? One day...lol..i really wasn't going but my Im buddies said that they would have missed me...and one of them in particular begged me to come back into the fold...so i did, but thats it...i have not done the same for Hi5...I'm not all that weak, and I'm trying my utmost best not to be on the net for lengths at a time,so far so good. So wish me luck so that i may gain control of my life once again.
In my mind....
I stand on a cliff overlooking the ocean
behind me the greenest grass sways silently in the wind
Above me the sky is dark with rain clouds
A mist of moisture caresses my face
I breathe it in, devouring the coldness
I am alone
Nothing else exists, just me
But i don't want to exist
So i look beyond the ocean, the thunder sounds above me
I step closer to the edge
Thinking
The ocean below looks so dark
So inviting...
I edge closer, the winds at my back
Encouraging me, whispering songs of peace in my ear
The ocean returns the winds song, its essence dancing with me
I stand there entrapped
I look out and step off
Falling slowly into its cold embrace
Its song fills my lungs
I'm at peace finally.....
Coffee ...not my thing....
I don't know why i even bother trying to drink coffee, tea is my thing...but feeling this sleepy one of my online buddies advised i drink coffee to stay awake in work, cause i was honestly falling into la la land here, so i drag myself to rituals and order the strongest thing they got...a red eye... it was too strong, now i have a headache and my tummy is upset...so i give up on the stuff that dreams are made of..I'll stick to tea and a good nights rest. I'm feeling down for some reason, isn't it supposed to pick u up? darn i should have eaten some chocolate!!!
I think i'm losing my mind
Seriously why am i sitting here in work , the radio is on 95.1 and its Wednesday so you know its all 80's of which I'm not particularly fond..yet I'm singing every song, bobbing my head, hitting the desk as my drum, and the occasional air guitar...i have seriously lost my mind people....I'm gone clear...the scary part , i know all the words. Is this the effects of internet deficiency syndrome?
Realize
Last night it took sometime before i fell asleep, tossing and turning was never my forte..i usually go off to dream land as soon as my head lands on the pillow, after an hour or so of just staring at the ceiling, listening to the soft music of Duffy playing in the background...i was taken to a room where i sat in front my P.C, going thru Facebook, then hi5...i was surfing the net in my dream state...i did it for most of the night, yea i had the occasional distraction of a huge canary flying over head trying to get out of the room, but i didn't pay it much attention, i woke up this morning and realized that i may be addicted to the internet...I'm like the canary trapped in cyberspace.... i spend way too much time online...chatting, on FB, on HI5 all over the place so what did i do in my panic of realization? I deleted my Fb and Hi5 accounts.....so now i have less reason to be online and i can finally concentrate on whats important in my life..my real life...i think thats what i have been missing, the realness of life, the interaction with actual human beings...so until i get a grip on reality...lol..I'll be less online..but I'll update my blog as much as i can.
Blacklisted
I honestly think that I'm going to be black listed by the library, the books i borrowed is overdue by a couple weeks now. I was supposed to return them today, but stupid me left home my lunch so i ate nothing and now I'm too weak to go up there, right now all i wanna do i go home and eat whatever my mother cook....*sighs* and those were the first books i ever borrowed from the library...blacklisted i say....lol..
I just realized .....
I just realized that i no longer post pics with my entires, the reason was that my net was down , but its up now and I'm still not posting any...lol.. i'll have to change that. In the mean time my other blog....www.athousandtearsof.blogspot.com
is going to get a makeover, i don't know what I'm going to do yet, but it'll come to me eventually.
So since i'm talking about posting pics, here is my new favorite artist....
Her name is Sara Bareilles...I'm sure u know her..."Love Song" was killed on our airways..lol.. i love her songs and the lyrics make so much sense, right now I'm a bit obsessed with the song "One sweet love" from her album...its means so much to me, the lyrics..its freaking awesome, wish i could somehow give u a listen to it. But feel free to look it up..she's awesome!!
I'm the kinda guy
I'm the kinda guy who hates what he sees when he looks in the mirror, yet i constantly take photographs of myself. I hate being among people, yet i love to party. I hate vain people, yet people call me vain. I secretly sit and sing to myself till I'm calm, but will never even admit that i have a soft side. I love being romantic, but will always call my friends who are dummies. I am portrayed as a rock freak, but prefer lying on the ground listening to soft music. People say i don't have a heart or a soul, it breaks every time i hear they say that. I'm the kinda of guy that doesn't deny his Indian heritage when i go to the shop, i still say aloo, and i still call things by their Indian names even though my friends look at me funny.I'm the kinda guy that believes that love exist, but people have turned their backs on it cause they expect that when you are in love things will automatically go smoothly and all life problems will magically be solved, but its an investment that takes time and patience...but I'll never admit that to anyone. I'm the kinda guy that cries when he's alone, but never shows emotion out in public. I love fully and trust wholeheartedly but call people who do the same gullible. When I'm hurt emotionally, i hurt myself physically ...so the scars from inside can show outside, but think that people who do that are freaks. I'm a complicated guy....
Changing ..trying to
Sometimes i wonder if i perpetuate the cycle of depression that i go through, some sick part of me enjoys the pain, feeds off it, dwells within it... Trying to make myself whole and happy is alot more work than just, being positive, or surrounding yourself with great people, or family-nothing from outside really matters when the demons i battle is within me, and all i have to fend them off with is my bare fists and a prayer. I've been on the edge of disaster, but i never jump into full destruction...and thinking back on it ...there was no one there to hold my hand and pull me up, i always had to push myself forward ...i always had to save myself, i don't know why i do...it just happens..there is always this thought that comes in my head whispering that things will get better...maybe its god..i wanna believe that...Today once again I'm trying to figure out in the vast emptiness of my mind, why depression sets in so fast and why does it take so much out of me to return to my happy meadow , where i can sit on the grass and listen to the birds sing. As of yet i have not come up with an answer, i just know that today i feel good about myself , i thank the rain ...it has a way with me to drown me in the silence of it drops, to lift my spirit up and wash away the darkness that inhabit me...rain makes me smile.
After all this time...you're still the one ( a poem not by me)
I still want to be with you
more than anyone else
I still want to talk to you
before anyone else
I still want to laugh with you
Walk with you
Read with you
Play with you
be quiet with you
be noisy with you
make plans with you
discuss the past and the future with you
You are still the person who makes me
happy, content, excited and peaceful
And after all this time
our love not only prevails
but is stronger than ever
*teary eyes*
......
After you give your heart to some one fully trusting that person in every way, then all of a sudden all the trust is shattered, its like i don't know where to find comfort anymore, am i really truly alone in this world? Have i not showed, tried to be a good boyfriend? I hate myself more than ever right now, i'm scared , i'm sobbing right now.... I don't know what to do who to call..i'm lost....i'm shaking, i've never shook like this, my hands can hardly stay still.... i feel like a fool...awful..dumb...
Scars heal
