Tonite...

Its 10.29 on my P.C , i should be sleeping already, i had a hectic day but here i am unable to rest, i just feel the need to write, so write i must...the thing is i don't know what i should write...its just like something in me wants to come out and i don't know what, my throat has a lump in it right now, u know the ones that form when u feel like crying but won't so the emotions just gets stuck there like throw up that didn't want to get thrown up...Something is utterly wrong with the world, everything is utterly wrong with it...everyone is so caught up in materialistic things that the spiritual side of the human race is all but dead, no one cares....not about other people, not about animals, not about nature, not about the world...its a dark and corrupted place out there and it scares the hell out of me, especially when i try to treat my fellow humans as well humans and it hurts when the favor isn't returned, makes me want to turn icy and uncaring, but the little voice in my head keeps telling me what will that accomplish in the long run? I would have become that one thing that i utterly hated so to keep myself different, away from the crowd i try to be kind, understanding and caring...i feel like a shallow freak...to be different i am good cause the world is bad, if it was the opposite way would i be the hated one, or would i still choose to walk on the path of light? i am a quiet unsure fella, I've always been unsure all my life, i can't make decisions cause I'm always thinking if people will agree or not, if it will make them happy...the ironic twist is this is how i see myself but other people always look to me for leadership, i remember in school for 3 years str8 i was voted best leadership skills, i was like huh allyuh sure is me...lol..i second guess myself all the time...but one thing i'm so sure of is giving my gf a second chance, i didn't even think twice about it, all i had to do was look into her eyes and i was more sure than anything else in my life. I know i haven't written about the situ between us and honestly i have been avoiding it, cause to write i will have to remember and i don't want to , its very painful, i just want to forget and start fresh with her....i have so many thoughts spinning in my head i don't think I'll make sense if i write it all down....so for now i rest, sleep and dream.....and forget....