Sometimes i wonder if i perpetuate the cycle of depression that i go through, some sick part of me enjoys the pain, feeds off it, dwells within it... Trying to make myself whole and happy is alot more work than just, being positive, or surrounding yourself with great people, or family-nothing from outside really matters when the demons i battle is within me, and all i have to fend them off with is my bare fists and a prayer. I've been on the edge of disaster, but i never jump into full destruction...and thinking back on it ...there was no one there to hold my hand and pull me up, i always had to push myself forward ...i always had to save myself, i don't know why i do...it just happens..there is always this thought that comes in my head whispering that things will get better...maybe its god..i wanna believe that...Today once again I'm trying to figure out in the vast emptiness of my mind, why depression sets in so fast and why does it take so much out of me to return to my happy meadow , where i can sit on the grass and listen to the birds sing. As of yet i have not come up with an answer, i just know that today i feel good about myself , i thank the rain ...it has a way with me to drown me in the silence of it drops, to lift my spirit up and wash away the darkness that inhabit me...rain makes me smile.
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