I've always had a rage problem, it just been apart of me for as long as i could remember. My parents tried to punish it out of me, i think it only made it worse... was sent to see a counselor, she gave me great advice and tips for my teenage years, and the rage it was sort of contained, i still became uncontrollable at times, with teenage angst followed by massive depression... then cutting or inflicting pain on myself cause i thought i deserved it, i knew i deserved it . As i "grew up" the anger and hurt was packed away in a place deep with in me and i started to see life beyond my little box i had built, i practiced meditation, prayed alot kept myself occupied and calm...it worked for so long, but now i feel as if my rage is getting the better of me now, see this afternoon i destroyed my sim card and maybe my phone...i flung it against the wall, jumped on it- took it apart and ripped the sim card to pieces....now i sit here with my pocket knife against my skin running it up and down my hand causing deep red wells ..should i press deeper? the question swirls around mind, i hate myself right now...i hate myself so much , the part that scares me is i don't know why...
Here's the deal
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes, my uncles is out of the hospital, he's still weak and the problem is with his kidneys...so every 2 wks he has to go for dialysis which is better than being dead...and that's alright with me. I didn't get time to write this before i left, but i visited him the day before my flight , took my new passport to show him, and when i was leaving the room i gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek...it was my way to say i love u and i think it was understood. So for now he's in the clear and ok, and i couldn't be happier for my family, the only little hiccup is my sister ran away again, but remarkably no one seems to have taken it on, not even my mom...i haven't seen the sadness on her face or heard her crying... guess my uncle health is on everyone's mind. And my sister in my opinion really showed how much she cares about the family to do what she did again in the middle of all the stress we were currently experiencing. I don't know what will happen now when it comes to her, but if anything happens hopefully it will be good. So once again thanks for the well wishes.
Tears
Tears well up inside my soul
But i do not cry
They float slowly up to the windows
Looking out at you, waiting- emotions in hand
but you're so cold, if freezes them
it has frozen me
Unmoving i stand in front of u
Waiting for the warmth, that was you
I dissolve back to a time when, the warmth was the heat between us
Standing there of what was
Tears melt
They escape thru the windows
I stand broken there once again
ALONE
Ahhhhh yes.....
Its soo good to be back home, its superawesome and I'm wicked tired right now, after a whole day parading up and down St. Lucia, looking at all the tourist destinations....then catching aplane now i'm home sweet home, i didn't know i missed it so. As soon as i came home i had a doubles, god i missed that...the way i writing you would think that i was gone for months, when its only been a couple days..i took like 750 pics so it'll take a while to upload, and i pray to god remember everything....but for now, i just wanna talk to my babes and catch up a bit.
Breathtaking
As i sit here writing this all i can think about is my gf, you see i'm here in the hotel sitting on the patio, the rain is falling, and i have a very clear view of the cove where there are sailing ships anchored, the rain is mist like....the scene is amazing....its cold, i have a hot cup of tea...this is the kind of atmosphere you would see in the movies, all i'm missing is my gf to hug cause this lounge chair can take two.....
O wow
I would have never thought that this conference would have been so much work/fun...lol...haven't had a good nights sleep yet, i'm getting away with 3 hours. Right now after a whole day of meetings, i'm going to dinner in a bit , then after that it off somewhere else, i dunno nah...its great!!! no time to really write anything here except that i have alot of pics to upload....o btw today is a very special day for me...just wanted to write that...lol..
My First post from a foreign land....
I made it to St Lucia... and i'm so very happy..its great , i have so much to write that i don't know where to start....the pics i have taken is many in count, and thanks to my superfriend Dave, i have this laptop to keep me occupied in the night, the wifi here is nuh all that so i wont up load the pics until i get back home on Friday , then and only then will you get the feel of my journey. One thing though coming here has really made me grateful that i live in Trinidad, the progress of our country is so far ahead of this one...wow... we really have it good in sweet TnT (please note that i'm talk about the buildings and technology only) I just came back from dinner, and right now i'm stuffed, the hotel is great and i have this huge bed...that can easily fit 4 ppl, today was of course a rest day, tomorrow however is work so maybe i'll be singing a different tune...whatever the case i'm happy that i'm here...i'm feeling so important...ppl serving me, and talking to me all kindly like...lol.. awesome..i miss my gf and my family but new experiences is what life is i about, and babes if you're reading this (everyone else please turn faces away) mmmwaahh!!! thats for you, wish i could give u one for reals right now. So for now i'll be giving slight updates, till i get home and can visually bombard you with pics, i going to take a dip in the pool, yea u heard right...pool..lol
Packed and ready to leave
As i sit here waiting for time to pass by I'm realizing that for the next 5 days, I'll be without internet ...how will survive? I know i will its no biggie....I'll keep writing my posts so when i come back I'll just publish it all. I wasn't able to sleep last night, dunno if it was excitement or the queasiness in my stomach, whatever it was i wasn't able to sleep till 3 this morning, and i woke up 5.30, its now 9.15am and i have been ready since 8.45 lol... i don't have to reach to the airport till 11...excitement i guess...makes me wanna throw up. I'm happy that I'm actually going, even though its for work, but I'm sure i can squeeze in a little play in between ...hopefully. I'll miss my family of course, but I'll use this as a vacation away from the stress ( home stress). any ways i think i better stop somethings telling me I'm forgetting something important i don't know what it is..oh well
ON A SIDE NOTE: My uncle is looking better, i went to see him yesterday...but he's still not out of the clear. Thanks for all your prayers.
I got my passport!!!!
Pool pics..to take my mind somewhere else
All decked off ready to go to play pool
Quick pic in the car
Thats my sis Juile..the only girl in our crew
We ended up at Al Haaq..i think thats how to spell it, its a BBQ place in Center Point Mall...best curry, geera, bbq ever
Maybe i'm a lil obsessed with fishes but here the tank in the place...fishes rock..btw i don't own any they keep dieing
White fishes
Cuz Ryan lacing it on the chips
Mmmmm couldn't get enough...d pepper was hott!!!
This scared me for a min or two...i was like wat the hell kinda ChineseCoke u guys buy...its imitation...but it was for the Olympics..lol..silly me
The first pool hall we ended up in was strokers, the place was packed..lots of cute girls that could probably beat me in pool...hell anyone could beat me in pool, the pics are blurry cause i didn't want to draw too much attention to myself, and we didn't get a table, so drank a orange juice and were off
La luna didnt have ne one so pool was on
Stealing the ppl next to us chalk
Trying meh best, i suck so bad
Professionals
Still trying mybest
This is how's it dones
The action pic
Last game , i won..by default...but i still win
This happens when u have too much beer
The effects of Smirnoff, not pretty at all
Thats my i just had 2 face, 2 for me is drunk as a fishAlone
I fell alone with all the craziness thats happening in my life, my uncle has gotten worse and the family is preparing for the ultimate heartache, but we still have hope cause miracles can happen. I don't know who to turn to for comfort...everyone seems to have their own stress to deal with...i feel so alone
Messenger of Death?
As i sit here the clock tells me 12.34 am...I'm far from sleepy,I'm worried...my mom told me that my uncle has gotten worse, that now he has become delusional..seeing ppl and stuff, i'm scared...really scared..of losing him and the consequences it will have on the family for i think some of us will die from grief... the thoughts within my head can't seem to settle...I'm scared of sleeping, ( i know this sounds stupid but i'm superstitious) cause when someone in the family is going to die...i get the message a day or 2 early through my dreams, whether the person be in this country or not...so far i have foreseen 3 deaths, now I'm scared that I'll have the dream... thats why i'm not going to sleep ..for fear of dreaming. My awesome friend Kristen stayed up with me, till just now when she said that she was forcibly being removed from the p.c ...chica thanks alot.
The past haunts..
Crap happens in my life alot, especially when i seem to be at my most happiest...its the pattern. I realized that yesterday when i was looking through my journal ( yes way before i knew about the internet , i had a book i wrote in) i found it at the bottom of my wardrobe, hidden amongst discarded t-shirts i don't wear anymore. Sitting on my bed, thinking long and hard whether i want to go back into the darkness that was once me...taking a deep breath, clutching a pillow on my lap, i parted the cover...at once a flood of memories hit me like a tidal wave...the message on the front was" to the end i will lay in this hole that i carved out for myself, using my tools of anger and hatred i continue to dwell in icyess that is darkness" for a teenager i was filled with alot of hate.... there was a P.S " if you are reading this without my knowing,i will find out and will kick ur ass" , i remember when hiding the book, it would be placed in such a particular way that if it was moved i would know. Passing the first page, feeling as if i was intruding into someone's private thoughts..for the boy i used to be is chained inside me, i don't want to be that person again. Mouth dry, lips parted, i started the tedious task of going through the pages, making sense of the writing, sometimes it would stop abruptly, other times the handwriting was so bad that i could have been a doctor. Wave after wave of memories crashed upon me, things i thought was forgotten came alive in my minds eyes, the old wounds had opened up, stories of finding love, being betrayed, hating my parents, wanting to die, plotting my suicide, Paragraph after paragraph the words seemed to hypnotize me...taking me back into that body, in that time...being the butt of jokes, hating to go to school, being bullied, hating being poor, i was filled with so much hate....then the writing style changed, for some reason i stopped using all the cusswords...all the i want to die's ...flipping back i wondered what happened ( in case you are wondering, i blocked out most of my childhood, so its like discovering a whole new person, like watching a movie but the scenes are being played in my head), a page was marked in red ink...it said " Today "R" said she cares about me and thinks that I'm a great person,and would like us to deal, I'm so happy its unbelievable that a girl any girl would have an interest in me ...its a wonderful feeling" the following pages were filled with happy thoughts and the usual, then the line" things are going so smooth, it makes me wonder what great calamity awaits me around the corner, my life has never been this smooth" so said so done few pages again..."R" had broken my heart, she only got with me cause her clip dared her to, can u believe that someone would do that to someone else?...the darkness had risen once again, i was back to contemplating suicide ...the pattern continued happy and then hurt...i shed tears at the end of the book, i felt sorry for myself, i wanted to go back in time grab me up and say" it's going to be alright", i have been through alot, more than any person should...then a feeling of strength came over me..knowing at that age i was so strong to overcome those obstacles, the ones i face today will only make me stronger....
The Bank
Republic Bank San Juan is so wonderful, they are efficient, professional and friendly plus the girl tellers are hott... its such a wonderful bank, i wish it was my bank...unfortunately I'm at Scotia bank, probably the slowest bank on earth...in the time it takes the Republic bank tellers to process 28ppl, the Scotia bank ones would now be on the 7th person...thank god for my phone and headphones...i think i was bobbing my head too much, ppl was staring but it was garbage...i love me some Garbage.
O wat a day...bleh
I didn't want to write about my business trip to St. Lucia cause i thought i would have jinxed it, but i think its already jinxed...first the background story----My company has been invited to attend an all expenses paid Caribbean Sales Conference by our parent company... i was chosen as part of the team to go, because of my inept ability to function under pressure...or the fact that I'm in sales dept...lol.. but anyways i was chosen, so i had to get the new machine readable passport, i applied..did the whole waiting for hours thing, paid a guy 300.00 to get a number for me ...yea i bribed someone to take a number for me, i still had to wait but not the whole day...was interviewed....everything went smoothly...i was scheduled to get my passport a week b4 the trip..i was happy and excited, but didn't think about it for fear and the jinx----the saga continues--- yesterday i went all happy face to the Immigration office, thinking my passport is ready and waiting, got to the front of the line "i'm sorry this passport isn't ready yet, come back in 4wks" *eyes opened big* i was expecting that answer its the same thing the officer told all the people in front me, people who applied like a month before me...my mind was racing, i explained to the lady that i NEED this passport for a business trip, she told me to get a letter stating that and bring it back, so i was off, walking up back to San Juan taxi stand from there ain't easy, got back to work , had a letter drawn up and then it was back to P.O.S...i ran around so much yesterday it was horrible, sat next to a guy that was smelling, got into a car that almost shut down, was walking like a crazy person through P.O.S, which btw i have never been by myself...yup u heard right me and town don't mix , i avoid it like a plague and enjoy it when I'm there the way you would enjoy a toothache. So it was like i was in a foreign country....it was hell, ran into ppl, almost tripped in front Francis fashion on their stupid sidewalk...but i got there only to be told i have to make a copy of the receipt, so i run across the road, 50 cents for a copy ...wat happened to 25cents , i remember when it was 10 cents...any ways i go back to the lady in the booth..i don't want to call her officer cause she was a bitch, she told me to come on Friday to collect my passport between 4-5 pm...but saying and actual getting is 2 different things. Wish me luck and drop a prayer for me in god's prayer box, i really want to go.
For angie..my camera
Well Angie...This is my camera a Canon SD750...my most precious possession..right after my PS2...
I was asking myself how on earth will i take pics of it when i use it to take pics... but then after a like 15mins, ( it shouldn't have taken that long) i remembered i could pull pics from the net. Its an awesome camera, nice and sleek...tough outer shell..small enough to fit in my jeans..and the big LCD display always draws attention...the drawback however is it doesn't take awesome far range pics, the zoom is great but the focus on it just doesn't make the pic crystal clear...close range shots are spectacular...i love it none the less....you be seeing alot more pics frm him now that i got back my net..wooohooo..
My best peeps
This is one of my bestest buddy Joel- Joel doesn't like pictures
This is my other bestest buddy Nikeda- Nikeda tolerates pictures...but will not tolerate pics of her posted on the net ( i'm in trouble)
It was the farewell evening *sniff* Nikeda was going to the U.S.A to finish her studies, for one year, no Niki and she was going to get married there also *gasp* (still getting used to saying that) We have all been friends for 10years now, been thru bad times and great times
The place was King City in San Jaun, we ate there a couple times before the food is great...thats Joel plate...he ordered if i can remember Hot n Spicy chicken with noodles and chow mein...that was medium portion...plenty eh..
Niki ordered Noodles and chow mein...she's a vegetarian...thats a small portion...i tell yuh is plenty
I ordered because of my sweet tooth, sweet n sour chicken, noodles and chow mein..yum..no one was in the mood for rice...thats a medium serving..alot huh..yuh think i lying..lol..
MMMmmmmm time to get down to business....
Take my food out not my face please...lol.. no one took a pic of me eating :(
The aftermath...boy was she hungry..lol
Joel's Aftermath...he was hungry too it seems..lol
My aftermath..i should have ordered the small....
Joel still wont let me take a pic of him...hmmph
He's very stubborn....no pics at all
Time to call in the big guns.....didn't work and we got weird stares
Might as well get one of me..i'm not scared of the camera
Time for some serious bribery...a pic will be taken on this evening
Hallelujah..it worked
See the sly look on Joel's face..he has something planned
Comon Niki lets take another pic...i like pics now
Niki figured out something was up..tried to run for it
But it was too late...tickle time
Niki is very ticklish....very
Niki hit me after..said if i couldn't come and help her..then who would have taken the pics...
Then i took a pic of the plant behind me...it was feeling left out.