The past haunts..

Crap happens in my life alot, especially when i seem to be at my most happiest...its the pattern. I realized that yesterday when i was looking through my journal ( yes way before i knew about the internet , i had a book i wrote in) i found it at the bottom of my wardrobe, hidden amongst discarded t-shirts i don't wear anymore. Sitting on my bed, thinking long and hard whether i want to go back into the darkness that was once me...taking a deep breath, clutching a pillow on my lap, i parted the cover...at once a flood of memories hit me like a tidal wave...the message on the front was" to the end i will lay in this hole that i carved out for myself, using my tools of anger and hatred i continue to dwell in icyess that is darkness" for a teenager i was filled with alot of hate.... there was a P.S " if you are reading this without my knowing,i will find out and will kick ur ass" , i remember when hiding the book, it would be placed in such a particular way that if it was moved i would know. Passing the first page, feeling as if i was intruding into someone's private thoughts..for the boy i used to be is chained inside me, i don't want to be that person again. Mouth dry, lips parted, i started the tedious task of going through the pages, making sense of the writing, sometimes it would stop abruptly, other times the handwriting was so bad that i could have been a doctor. Wave after wave of memories crashed upon me, things i thought was forgotten came alive in my minds eyes, the old wounds had opened up, stories of finding love, being betrayed, hating my parents, wanting to die, plotting my suicide, Paragraph after paragraph the words seemed to hypnotize me...taking me back into that body, in that time...being the butt of jokes, hating to go to school, being bullied, hating being poor, i was filled with so much hate....then the writing style changed, for some reason i stopped using all the cusswords...all the i want to die's ...flipping back i wondered what happened ( in case you are wondering, i blocked out most of my childhood, so its like discovering a whole new person, like watching a movie but the scenes are being played in my head), a page was marked in red ink...it said " Today "R" said she cares about me and thinks that I'm a great person,and would like us to deal, I'm so happy its unbelievable that a girl any girl would have an interest in me ...its a wonderful feeling" the following pages were filled with happy thoughts and the usual, then the line" things are going so smooth, it makes me wonder what great calamity awaits me around the corner, my life has never been this smooth" so said so done few pages again..."R" had broken my heart, she only got with me cause her clip dared her to, can u believe that someone would do that to someone else?...the darkness had risen once again, i was back to contemplating suicide ...the pattern continued happy and then hurt...i shed tears at the end of the book, i felt sorry for myself, i wanted to go back in time grab me up and say" it's going to be alright", i have been through alot, more than any person should...then a feeling of strength came over me..knowing at that age i was so strong to overcome those obstacles, the ones i face today will only make me stronger....